A Family in Bloom

Dear Baby

2011-10-06T20:43:00.000-04:00

Dear Baby,

You'll have to excuse me, but you don't yet have a name. Or a sex for that matter. I just wanted to write and tell you how much I love you already. No, you aren't technically conceived. A little part of me isn't sure you ever will be. It doesn't matter though. I need to tell you how much love I have for you already.

I dream of the day that I will hold you and rock you to sleep. I will sing you (off-key) lullabies and even when I wish you would sleep through the night, I will cherish the 3 a.m. feedings.

I imagine taking you to the cemetery every October 2nd so we can send balloons to your big brother in heaven. You are still with him right now, but when the time is right I hope you will join me down here. We will go to the pumpkin patch and drink apple cider slushies and pick out the perfect family of pumpkins. One for each of us- daddy, mommy, Caleb, you, and the puppies. This year there are only 5, but maybe next year it will be 6?

And Christmas-time with you will be amazing. I can't wait to experience things through your eyes and create traditions the way my Nana and Uncle did with me. I tell your daddy otherwise, but the truth is I know I will spoil you. I'm sure I will go overboard with the gifts. But know that my love doesn't come in the form of toys. My love for you comes from the bottom of my heart. It's here now...even though you aren't. You are loved and wanted so much. That will never change.

You're probably wondering why I am writing this letter to you so far in advance. Maybe it's a little crazy, but then again your mommy is a little weird. The fact is that I never, ever want you to doubt how much you were wanted. I spent a lot of time when I was younger wondering why my parents didn't want me. I never want you to feel that way. I pray for you every single night. I want you more than money or success or any other worldly thing. Everything I do in my life is so that things can be perfect when you finally get here. Not that I'm promising perfection. I will screw up. I will make mistakes, I will lose my patience and I will burn dinner sometimes. I'm not really good at sports or video games or doing make-up. I probably won't be the cool mom and you may go through some years when you think I am the enemy. I will still love you and will still want you in my life just as much then as I do now.

So, when you do finally join your dad and I and you are old enough to read this, I hope you will see how precious you are to me. Life is hard. You will get hurt and there will be plenty of things that happen that make you question who you are and what you are doing in this world. I can't prevent that. One thing I never want you to question, though, is how I feel about you.

Love,

Your Mom

Updates

2011-09-17T18:00:00.000-04:00

It has been SO long since I've posted here. Life has been crazy and hectic and everything that life is. Anyway, here are some updates on the more "important" happenings from the past few months.

SURGERY

I had my first surgery on July 1st. My vaginal septum was completely resected. My doctor was only able to get a small part of the uterine septum removed, so a second surgery had to be scheduled. I was pretty disappointed when I found out I would need another surgery. First of all, I was looking forward to being able to start trying to conceive right away. The worst part of needing a second surgery, however, is the hormone medications I have to be on leading up to and following the procedure. At any rate I went back for my second surgery on August 18th. Due to some equipment malfunctions, the surgery ended early and my doctor wasn't able to get the rest of the septum. So right now I'm waiting to schedule my third (and hopefully final) surgery. As with everything related to infertility, these surgeries have put me on an emotional rollercoaster for the past 4 months. I will be elated when they are done, but a part of me is scared that even after all of this I still won't be able to get pregnant again. But I'm trying to adopt the glass-half-full mentality and try to envision myself pregnant in front of the Christmas tree this year. We'll see...

NANA

This Monday (the 19th) marks one year since my Nana passed away. I definitely wasn't prepared for the wave of grief that has overtaken me the past week. Holidays are hard without her and her birthday was rough, but this milestone seems to be the worst so far. Something about the one-year mark makes things seem so final. Before she died, I used to imagine what I would feel like having to live my life without her. It seemed like the impossible, but then one day I woke up and she was gone. At first I was busy with the things you HAVE to do when someone dies...pick out clothes, plan the funeral, go through her things...that my mind didn't really process her not being around. After all of those things were done, I focused on getting back to life. I didn't want to sit around and sulk because for one, she would have kicked my butt for doing that and for two, that's not really my M.O. I don't like people feeling sorry for me and I hate sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I get that from her. So now, I'm sitting here at this one-year anniversary and I realize how long it's really been since we last spoke or since she told me she loved me or since we laughed together. I realize that it's been more than a year since her and I last went shopping or had lunch or did laundry together. I realize that living without her hasn't been impossible. The world *didn't* stop, even though, before she got sick I was so sure it would. I have a year full of memories that don't include her and I guess that's what hurts the most. This has just been one out of who knows how many years that I will live without her. It's hard and it's sad, but at the same time I am SO thankful for my time with her, because even though she isn't here physically any more I can still hear her and feel her within me every single day.

CALEB

September 29th marks 3 years since we found out Caleb was going to be stillborn. Yes, September has been a crappy month the past few years! Anyway, we celebrate his birthday on October 2nd by making a donation to Touching Little Lives. It's a local non-profit that makes clothing and keepsakes for babies born premature or stillborn. If you are interested in donating yarn, fabric or any other baby clothes making supplies, please contact me. We will be dropping everything off on October 2nd.

Lots of Love...Me

Surgery...?

2011-05-15T21:31:00.001-04:00

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.~James H. Boren

First of all I'd like to start out by wishing everyone a happy belated Mother's Day. I had a very low-key day, which was nice. As a Babylost Mother, the day usually causes a lot of anxiety. I was especially anxious this year as it marked the first Mother's Day since my Nana has passed. But it turned out to be a good day and I was able to keep the emotional outbursts at bay with a lot of prayer and surrounding myself with friends and family.

Late last summer, Brandon and I met with a new fertility doctor. We both really liked him and felt excited about some of the options he discussed. For a myriad of reasons, we didn't meet with him again. I guess the best way it can be summed up is that, well, life happens.

Anyway, fast forward to April 23rd of this year. Brandon had been over helping his step-dad with a project and called me on the way home. The news he shared caught me off guard and almost caused me to spill my O.P.I. (At home pedicures...don't judge...we're in a recession!). Brandon's mom and step-dad had generously offered us a financial gift to assist us with future fertility treatments! Yup...I was speechless, too. I've always considered myself VERY lucky on the in-law front. While friends complain about over-bearing mother-in-laws, I just sit back, smile and thank God for the amazing second family He has brought into my life.

The unexpected gift was just what we needed to push ourselves back into the roller coaster ride that is all things infertility. I scheduled an appointment right away. The doctor we met with at the new practice last summer wasn't available, so we decided to meet with another doctor at the practice. Guess what?!? Her first name is Summer! How awesome/random/cool is that? She asked me to have some blood work done prior to our consultation. Something our previous RE never insisted on.

We had our consultation on May 2nd. Dr. Summer said my labs were all normal. She brought up a new possibility for my funky uterus. Originally diagnosed a bicornuate uterus when I was 19, the "doctors" decided it was actually a didelphic uterus with a partial vaginal septum and two cervices when I delivered Caleb. Dr. Summer brought up a third option, one that made a lot more sense and explained a lot more of our issues. She theorized that I may have a uterine septum with a partial vaginal septum and two cervices. Uterine septum's can cause many problems including recurrent miscarriages and intrauterine growth restriction (something Caleb suffered from). As the doctor explained, the placenta can only grow so much before eventually being suffocated (for a lack of a better work) by the septum. Additionally, the septum is not a hospitable environment for embryos to attach. Meaning that even when conception occurs (which it could be doing for us), if the embryo implants on the muscular tissue of the septum a miscarriage will almost always ensue. Often times before I would even know I was pregnant.

The question we have always struggled with is "why the infertility?" Neither bicornuate nor a didelphic uterus's cause infertility. My cycles are normal and there doesn't appear to be any other problems that would cause us to be infertile. Dr. Summer's theory of a uterine septum certainly answered this question and also explained why I was able to conceive before.

But since theories are a dime a dozen, Dr. Summer did a sonohystogram in her office and was able to confirm the uterine septum. She wants me to have it removed as soon as possible and then she wants Brandon and I to try to conceive naturally for a while. The surgery seems easy enough- laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. She did warn us that she may not be able to remove the entire septum with one surgery, though. She said she wanted to do a little more research and see us back in a few weeks to finalize everything. If things go right, hopefully I will have the surgery in the next month or so and ideally we can start trying soon after that. We meet with Dr. Summer again this Friday.

Please pray for us and positive news at this appointment.

Marching for Caleb

2011-05-05T22:35:00.000-04:00

Gratitude is the memory of the heart. ~Jean Baptiste Massieu

The Central Ohio March for Babies was held this past weekend. Thanks to so many amazing people, we had 23 walkers sign-up for Caleb's team and raised $1,295.00! I can't even begin to tell you how humbled I am by that. People who never knew about Caleb until this year's walk reached took time out of their day and/or money from their pockets to honor him. All I can say is "Praise God!"

The rain held off for the most part and we were able to enjoy the 5 mile walk without getting too soggy. My personal goal was to 1) finish the walk and 2) not be the last person to cross the finish line! We ended up finishing in about 90 minutes, which means we walked an average 18 minute mile. We won't be in the Boston Marathon anytime soon, but we did manage to stay somewhere in the middle of the pack.

Brandon & I wore our For the Love of Caleb shirts. Personalized with his birthday on the back.

Both of Caleb's grandma's made it for the walk and all of Caleb's aunts. We took this picture in front of Caleb's star in the Field of Hope. Purple stars honor living babies and silver stars remember those who have passed.

Thank you to everyone who came out, everyone who donated, everyone who bought a team shirt and to everyone who prayed for us. Your love and support is amazing.

A to Z

2011-03-17T19:03:00.002-04:00

I stole this off of Bev's blog. Seemed like something fun to do while I wait on my corned beef and cabbage to finish cooking!

A. Age: twenty-five

B. Bed size: queen

C. Chore you dislike: all of them?

D. Dogs: a jack russell/yorkie mix named Lacy and a chihuahua/shih tzu mix named Brody

E. Essential start to your day: i feel gross unless i've had a shower

F. Favorite color: it changes as often as i change my underwear

G. Gold or silver: silver

H. Height: 5' 5"

I. Instruments you play(ed): i played the recorder in 4th grade and i tried to learn how to play the piano. i'm not so musically inclined.

J. Job title: legal secretary

K. Kids: my precious caleb. who i will see in heaven one day

L. Live: da 'burg or technically, i guess, c-bus

M. Mom’s name: vanya

N. Nicknames: does summer count as a nickname? my best friend calls me dill. brandon calls me summey. people from my old job call me nettie. i call myself supa-fly.

O. Overnight hospital stays: the only hospital stay i've ever had is when caleb was born still.

P. Pet peeves: liars, thieves, bullies, pants with words on the butt, people who don't know me but insist on calling me "hun", "sweetie" or "darling", and when brandon leaves the kitchen cabinet doors open after he gets something out of one.

Q. Quote from a movie: "i'm gonna paint my door red and change my name to elizabeth arden."

S. Siblings: three younger sisters and one younger brother.

T. Time you wake up: the first time? 4:30 a.m.

U. Underwear: yes. clean ones at that.

V. Vegetables you don’t like: i can't think of one. i think i like all veggies.

W. What makes you run late: my husband. :-o

X. X-rays you’ve had: a lot...and even more if you count ct scans, mri's and ultrasounds

Y. Yummy food you make: guacamole

Z. Zoo animal favorites: flamingos

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone! Erin Go Bragh!

For the Love of Caleb Personalized Team T-Shirts & March for Babies Update

2011-03-11T23:02:00.003-05:00

First of all, I want to thank everyone who has donated to team For the Love of Caleb. We have passed our goal and have raised over $1,100 for March of Dimes! If you haven't donated yet, but were considering it please don't let the fact that we have reached our goal stop you! Every dollar donated is a dollar that WILL help save babies and spare families from the heartache that Brandon and I lived through. $1,000 was our goal, but we would LOVE to raise much more in honor of our precious baby boy. If you can't donate please consider walking with us on May 1st. To donate or register to walk with our team please visit our family team's website at www.marchforbabies.org/team/fortheloveofcaleb

Brandon and I have finished designing the team t-shirts for our family team, For the Love of Caleb. If you are interested in purchasing one please email me (adavenport85 at aol dot com). The prices range from $10-$15 depending on the color and size. There are also children's sizes available. :-)

Lot's of Love!

Summer

Baptism

2011-03-08T13:49:00.001-05:00

Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. - John 3:5

On January 9, 2011, I was baptised for the first time. It was an amazing experience and I was so grateful for the opportunity to share my testimony with all those present that day. I had amazing support from family and friends who came to share this special day with me. Some of them are believers and some are not. It was so amazing to be able to share with them what God has done in my life. I have been beyond blessed in my life to have the chance to know Christ and to understand what He has done and continues to do for each of us.

Mark 4:1-20 The Parable of the Sower

1 Again Jesus began to teach by the lake. The crowd that gathered around him was so large that he got into a boat and sat in it out on the lake, while all the people were along the shore at the water’s edge. 2 He taught them many things by parables, and in his teaching said: 3 “Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.” 9 Then Jesus said, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.” 10 When he was alone, the Twelve and the others around him asked him about the parables. 11 He told them, “The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you. But to those on the outside everything is said in parables 12 so that, “‘they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding; otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!’[a]” 13 Then Jesus said to them, “Don’t you understand this parable? How then will you understand any parable? 14 The farmer sows the word. 15 Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. 16 Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. 17 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 18 Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; 19 but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. 20 Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”

My Testimony

At various times in my life I have been in the positions Jesus describes in the Parable of the Sower. I have been cynical and openly allowed Satan to take the word away from my heart. I have received the word and delighted in it, but since my life was not rooted in Christ I quickly fell away. Later on, my habit was to seek out God during the challenging times of life…the deep depression that haunted me during my teenage years, relationship problems, the loss of my son and my subsequent struggle with infertility. God was there, providing me with comfort, but I never really knew what it meant to live in the word of Christ. I wondered how I could be a believer, but still feel like a piece of me was missing. The answer was that I had not fully committed myself to Christ.

I have known about Jesus since I was a little girl. My best friend’s grandmother, Mary Love, would take me to church on Sunday mornings and to youth group every Tuesday night. I remember reading John 3:16 at Ms. Mary’s house, and, though I didn’t understand the meaning, the words provided me with a source of comfort.

Eventually, I stopped going to church with Ms. Mary and I became a typical teenager with a cynical mind and a smart mouth. I battled with severe depression and questioned the existence of God. I tried worldly methods to cope with my problems, but nothing worked. I was desperate and broken. Finally, I decided something had to change and on my 19th birthday I prayed that the Lord would come into my heart. I’m not sure why I turned to God, maybe it was divine intervention or maybe it was the words I had heard so many years before about God’s love for this world. Personally, I believe it was the seed Ms. Mary planted years before that was beginning to grow.

Asking the Lord into my heart wasn’t the end. In fact, it was just the beginning for me. Since then I have been tempted and have succumbed to worldly desires. I have struggled with questions about my salvation and my beliefs. I have found myself ignoring God when things are good, but turning to Him again when I trip and stumble. When I lost my baby in October 2008 I realized my desire to work on my personal relationship with Christ. I sought out strong Christians, like my former co-worker and now dear friend Joy. She helped nourish the seed of Christ that was planted in my heart, always encouraging me to seek Him and His word when I struggled with doubts, worries or fears.

In early 2010, I made the decision to join a church and surround myself with people who would encourage my Christian growth. Little did I know how desperately I would need that support as I faced the struggles before me in the coming months. But I guess that is one of the most glorious things about God…we don’t know, but He always does and if we listen and believe faithfully He will always show us the way. His grace is amazing.

I have been blessed throughout my life in that God has continued to place people in my path who have joyfully and lovingly shared the good news with me time and time again. Because of that, I stand before you today committing myself to Christ and celebrating the mercy and grace He has shown me during good times and bad. I celebrate the beautiful relationship I now have with Him and the void in my heart that has been filled by His love.

Thank you so much to my brothers and sisters in Christ at New Life Community Church, Pastor Toole and his wife, Aimee.

March for Babies Giveaway

2011-02-16T20:33:00.000-05:00

Our March for Babies team, For the Love of Caleb, is almost halfway to our goal! Thank you to everyone who has donated and signed up to walk with us.

Beginning today through 8 p.m. EST Friday night, for every $10.00 you donate your name will be entered into a drawing for a $50.00 Macy's giftcard. If you sign-up to walk AND donate $10.00 your name will be entered twice. I will e-mail the winner on Saturday morning.

To make a donation please visit our team page at www.marchforbabies.org/team/fortheloveofcaleb

Thank you again for your support!

March for Babies 2011

2011-02-12T09:14:00.001-05:00

This year Brandon and I created a family team in memory of Caleb. Team For the Love of Caleb will be walking in the Central Ohio March of Babies Walk on May 1st, 2011. If you are local I would love to see you on walk day. You can click the link above to join our team or visit our team page at http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1516664.

If you can't make it to the walk, I ask that you please consider making a donation to sponsor our team. For more information on the March of Dimes please visit http://www.marchofdimes.com/.

I posted this last year, but for those who missed it, here is a little bit about my experience with the MoD:

A life without cause is a life without effect. ~Barbarella

Each year the law firm I work for holds a March of Dimes campaign to coincide with the national March of Dimes March for Babies campaign. Last year's campaign was hard for me. It was 5 months after we lost Caleb and I was still in a very dark place. I didn't want to support the campaign. I had visited the MoD webstite everyday during my pregnancy, I did everything I was supposed to, but yet my baby was still gone.

Looking back I can see how twisted my mindset was last March. MoD was there for me during my pregnancy, when Caleb's oligohydramnios was diagnosed, and after Caleb was gone. They did provide me with support...even if it wasn't the support I wanted. I knew I had to speak up this year. I lost my baby and that hurts so bad, but I don't want anyone else to experience that pain.

This year, the partner in charge of the campaign for our firm asked me if I would be willing to share my experience with MoD in order to drum up support.. I jumped at the opportunity. I went into my pregnancy thinking the worst thing that could happen was hemorrhoids. Birth defects, placental problems, and stillbirth were the furthest things from my mind. If even just one expecting mom chooses to educate herself a little bit more regarding her child's health, even if it's just out of the fear of ending up like me, then my Caleb's life was not in vain. So I will now share with you my MoD story...

When I found out I was pregnant, I’d like to think I had the normal reaction…fear! I was worried about everything from learning how to change diapers to paying for college. They say men become fathers when they hold their baby in their arms for the first time, but women become mothers the minute they learn they are pregnant. I couldn’t agree more with this observation. From the second I knew I had a tiny life growing inside of me, my maternal instinct kicked in along with all the worries that come with it.

That’s why I first visited the March of Dimes website. A parenting magazine I read told me they had a great section on keeping healthy during your pregnancy. I checked that site probably 20 times a day. I used it to find information on proper nutrition, pregnancy symptoms, and to look up all those big words that doctors like to use.

The website became an even more useful research tool during my sixth month of pregnancy when the doctors told me that my son, Caleb, was suffering from oligohydramnios, a lack of amniotic fluid. This can be a sign of birth defects in some babies. The doctors told me there wasn’t much I could do. They would continue to monitor Caleb and send me for some additional tests and screenings. I remember feeling so helpless. As a parent, you feel a responsibility to always care for your children in the best way you can, but here I was stuck, unable to do anything.

Immediately, I went to the MoD website to investigate. They had an entire section dedicated to pregnancy complications and a ton of useful information about oligohydramnios. It was such a sense of empowerment. I understood the condition more thoroughly and felt that I could have educated conversations with my doctors and other care providers.

Sadly, the diagnosis came too late for me. My little Caleb died in utero at 26 weeks gestation. His beautiful body was born into this world on October 2, 2008. Losing my baby is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever gone through. The pain, anger, and sadness are overwhelming. I remember the first few days at home after I left the hospital were devastating. I felt so alone and so lost. But yet again, MoD came to my rescue. Through their website, I was able to find a great deal of resources and information on dealing with a stillbirth. They connected me with several support groups filled with mothers feeling the same way I did. MoD even helped me after we received Caleb’s autopsy report. The cause of his oligohydramnios was due to a placental defect. MoD’s website gave me information on this and treatment options for future pregnancies.

Through my journey of healing, I have met with so many families that the March of Dimes organization has helped. From their work with premature babies to their research into birth defects, MoD is saving lives every day. I share my story not for sympathy, but because I want every expecting mother to be educated and empowered with the knowledge to understand their unborn child’s health. It’s easy to assume that all pregnancies end with healthy babies, but the fact is right now they don’t. There is hope, however. The research, education, and outreach that the March of Dimes provides are essential to changing that disturbing fact. There was nothing that could be done to save my baby, but I know that because of the March of Dimes, each day parents are spared from the pain that my family had to go through. And for that, I am so very thankful.

Thanks

2010-12-31T10:51:00.002-05:00

When I reflect upon years gone by I try to sum them up by using one word. 2008 was all about Caleb. 2009 was about marriage. 2010 has been a year full of, well, surprises. Some were good and some were so awful I'm still trying to accept them as reality. Given everything, I would say the word for 2010 is "thankful".

At the beginning of a new year everyone is ready to bid adieu to the days gone by. We ring in the event with fireworks, parties, a glass ball that may or may not contain Snooki (Google it). Everyone is looking for a chance to be hopeful again. We make resolutions for better behavior, health, or financial management for the days ahead. We kiss the one we love at midnight and celebrate the fresh start. All of these things are done with the desire to make our life the way we want it to be. The way we see it in our dreams. "When I have a fat bank account then I will finally be happy." "When I can wear a size 4 life will be perfect."

There's nothing wrong with desiring different circumstances in our own lives. Motivation is key to success. But in our quest for the "perfect life" are we remembering to be thankful for the status quo? Do you (and when I say you I really me "I") wake up every morning and thank God for your house even though there's a pile of dishes in the sink and the bathroom really needs painted? Do you (I) rejoice in the relationship you have with your spouse/children/parents/siblings/friends even if they are getting on your nerves or stole the covers AND the good pillow last night? Are you (I) thankful when, at the end of payday, there's no money in your bank account but you still have a roof over your head, food on the table and people to share it with? If you want to know true happiness try being thankful for what you already have. The key to happiness is gratitude.

My grandmother lived this theory out each day of her life. Sure she read books and fantasied about traveling to different countries and experiencing new things, but she was grateful for just the opportunity to be surrounded by family and friends. She cherished family dinners and took the time to make them special. I find myself on a daily basis dreading the idea of having to make dinner. The forethought, the preparation, the cooking, the cleaning...it's too much. My grandma "got it", though. She would make meal times special...setting the table, using fancy plates and glasses, requiring that the television be turned off and conversation ensue. I think she did these things because she remembered what it was like to be poor and not to have food to feed your family. She spent many years as a single mom trying to feed more mouths than she knew what to do with, without the help of any man or the government. Thus she turned mealtimes into celebrations. She set the table EACH day in a way most people reserve for holidays. And she was thankful to do it each and every time.

In 2010 I learned the art of true gratitude, in 2011 I plan to refine it. I will do this by practicing it everyday. Instead of being annoyed that the bus is late I'm going to be thankful that I have a job to go to each day. Instead of getting depressed when a pair of jeans don't fit just right I'm going to be thankful for the person I am on the inside, thankful for my health, and thankful for each day that I can work to make myself even healthier. Even though I do miss Caleb and my Nana so much, I'm going to rejoice that I had them in my life and know that I will see them both again one day. And instead of crying each month when I realize that I'm still not any closer to being a mommy, I'm going to thank God that there are other paths to parenthood and in the meantime I have a beautiful niece and an adorable nephew to dote on.

2010 has been a challenging year, but I'm so thankful for every moment of it.

Happy New Year!

Patricia "Nana" Bryan

2010-10-24T09:21:00.000-04:00

BRYAN Patricia Ann (Betts) Bryan, 74, passed from this life September 19, 2010 at Mount Carmel East Hospital with her family by her side. Born April 20, 1936 in Columbus, Ohio to the late Harry and Alice Betts, she was preceded in death by her parents, son Robin Sisk, and great-grandson Caleb Ballou. A stunning woman inside and out, Patricia was known for her piercing blue eyes, long legs and even longer hair, which earned her the nickname "Cher". She was an avid animal lover, who spent many years working with the Columbus Zoo and the Franklin County Mounted Unit. She had an adventurous spirit, demonstrated by her claim to fame as the first woman skydiver in the state. Pat had a true zest for life that is so rare to find. Deputy Bryan retired from the Franklin County Sheriff's Department in 1997 and was very proud of her time spent working in the jail. She loved to travel, especially when those travels took her near the beach, and she vowed one day to be a beach bum on Siesta Key. Quietly brilliant, she was a passionate reader who could have beat Alex Trebeck at Jeopardy and took a great deal of pride in beating her family in a game of Trivial Pursuit or canasta. She was hands down the world's greatest cook and could make cube steak taste like filet mignon. Pat was a music lover, with a special adoration for Italian operas and mariachi music. A truly remarkable woman, she found joy in the simple things and had an honest "don't sweat the small stuff" attitude. More than anything, she loved being surrounded by her "big, loud, obnoxious family" and it will be through each of them that her strong and loving spirit lives on. She had moxie, baby. She is survived by her sister, Jacqueline (Robert) Kowalski of Des Moines, IA; brother, William (Micki) Betts of Syracuse, NY; sons, Daniel Sisk of Reynoldsburg, Michael (Bonnie Ramsey) Sisk of Pataskala, Joseph Bryan of Buckeye Lake, William Bryan of Reynoldsburg, and John Sisk of Orange County, CA; daughters, Deborah Sisk-Buffalo of Harper, KS, Vanya Bryan of Reynoldsburg, and Laurie (Jeff) Gang of Jamesburg, NJ. She is also survived by her grandchildren, Roxanne (Fred) Finke of Wichita, KS, Lisa Williams of Wichita, KS, Jennifer Sisk of Columbus and Rachael Sisk of Houston, TX, Dillan Bryan of Columbus and Morrgan Bryan of Buckeye Lake, Summer (Brandon) Ballou of Reynoldsburg, Alysia and Asia Barham, both of Reynoldsburg, Wednesday Bryan of Reynoldsburg, and Kylie and Tyler Gang of Jamesburg, NJ; seven great-grandchildren; numerous nieces, nephews, friends, and beloved dogs, Mutley, Chyna, Rusty and Coco. Family will receive friends Wednesday 5-8 p.m. at COTNER FUNERAL HOME, 7369 E. Main St., Reynoldsburg, where the funeral will be held at 10 a.m. Thursday. Burial will follow at Holy Cross Cemetery. Messages may be sent to family at www.cotnerfuneralhome.com

As I have mentioned before, my grandma a.k.a. Nana is like my mother. She was there when I was born, she named me, raised me, and got to deal with all the joys and pains (mostly pains) of doing so. She was more than just a grandmother or mother to me, though. She was my best friend. We were sidekicks. I know when most people think "grandma" the thought of a feeble, elderly woman who knits and has that obligatory "old people" smell. Nothing could be further from the truth. Nana was adventurous until the day she died. She didn't knit and she smelled like fancy perfumes or cheap shampoo.

Growing up with Nana made me different than most kids. She exposed me to things and people that I may never have seen. She worked in the county jail and used to take me there for visits and "Take Your Daughter to Work Day". While she didn't condone criminal behavior, she didn't look down on the inmates. She knew people were imperfect and they made mistakes. It was from her that I learned to be empathetic.

Before me, Nana had 8 children and was married twice. Between her marriages and after my grandfather was killed, she was a single mother. My aunts and uncles caused my grandma a lot of grief, but she never stopped loving them. Or me when it was my turn around. You don't give up on family. That was always her message. They're crazy and they get on your nerves and some days you REALLY don't like them, but we stick together and we love each other.

She was so strong and out of all of her qualities, this is the one I admire most. As a girl who tends to wear her heart on her sleeve, my grandma with her cool and calm demeanor, was always an inspiration to me. I remember the day we found out my uncle died. Everyone was at our house crying and in shock. When I went to find my grandma, she was doing laundry. Twenty minutes after hearing her son had taken his own life, she was cleaning house and keeping everyone else calm. I can count on one hand the times I had seen her cry. She was amazing like that.

She passed away so quickly. They diagnosed the cancer on a Thursday and by Sunday she was gone. I had so much left to say to her and so much I still wanted to do.

Growing up I would have anxiety attacks about what it would be like when my grandma died. My chest would tighten, my eyes would well up with tears, my breath would become fast and hard, my stomach would drop, and my head would start to ache. When I lived at home, I would crawl into bed with her until I felt better. When I moved out, I would call her and she would talk me down. She promised she wasn't going any where and we would talk about plans for the future. Now when I have one of those attacks, there is no one to call. No one to make it all better. Just the sad reality that for the rest of my life my best friend, mother, and grandmother is gone and nothing will ever be the same.

Challenging

2010-10-24T08:43:00.000-04:00

No one is promised a perfect life. Imagine how shallow we would all be if that were the case. Pain and suffering build our character and, in turn, make us each a unique individual.

I've had my fair share of pain and suffering in my life. Some self-imposed, some a side-effect of other's actions, and still some that just seemed to come from nowhere.

Losing Caleb was hard. I wanted him so desperately and knew that after he was gone there was a very real chance I would never get to be a mother again. A life that I had spent months mapping out was gone. That's a hard thing for people to understand about pregnancy/infant loss. It's not about losing what was, it's about losing what could have been. Even with the pain that came from losing Caleb, I was able to really focus on the blessings that came from his short life and have a sense of peace about everything. Even though this pain and suffering came from nowhere, meaning I didn't cause it and neither did anyone else, I could still breath easy in knowing that things happened exactly as they should have happened.

In the last 59 days, my life has been thrown into a tailspin. Everything I thought was true, I found isn't. And everyone I thought I could trust just disappeared. My life has changed forever. And while someone so important to me was slowly drifting away, I was caught up in juvenile drama that I thought was left behind when I said "I do". I will never forgive myself for that.

Some days I wish he would have fallen in love, too. But then again, no one is promised an easy life.

It's Been a Long Time

2010-08-15T20:44:00.001-04:00

Wow. It's been a long time since I have sat down to write. So much has been going on, but at the same time I haven't really felt up to writing. So here is a rundown on the past few months:

1. We are closing on our first home in less than a month. It's exciting, scary, and bittersweet for me. Exciting because it's a home of our own. We can paint, change the carpet, hang curtains or even color on the walls if we want to. Scary because it's such a commitment and I'm a constant worrier. Bittersweet because the last time we were preparing to move it was because of Caleb. We needed a bigger apartment. Then he died and the day after I got home from the hospital we had to move into our bigger apartment. I never thought we would live here for 2 years and not have a new baby for the nursery.

2. I have started attending a new church. It's in the same network of churches as the old one I was going to, but much closer to where we live. The congregation is also much smaller, but I love the family feel. From the moment I stepped in the door on my first Sunday, I felt God in my heart telling me this is where I am supposed to be. I'm going to working as an assistant in the pre-school room one Sunday per month starting in September. I'm so excited to get to share Jesus Christ with the little ones. My church attendance was sporadic when I was young and I'm not sure I REALLY knew Christ or what He did for me until, honestly, I was around 19 years old. I wish I knew more before then. I believe it would have saved me a lot of pain. At the same time I struggle with the wondering if He allowed me to go through that pain so that I could see how much I really need Him in my life. Anyway, I look forward to sharing His word with all of the little ones.

3. Infertility stinks. Secondary infertility really stinks. It's so painful to continuously see friends and family conceive with no problems and to feel like such a failure. I know, I know. I'm NOT a failure. Conceiving has little to do with me and more to do with God's plan for me. Knowing this doesn't alleviate all of the pain, however. We have met with a new infertility specialist. He was nice and optimistic (they usually are at first). He wants us to undergo some further testing, including another semen analysis for Brandon and another HSG-like test for me. He also wants me to have some additional blood work, which seems standard but was never ordered by our old RE. As evidence of my lack of excitement to go through this gamete of tests, I failed to schedule any of the appointment during my last cycle. I'm debating on doing it this month or waiting a while.

Our new house has 3 bedrooms, one of which would make the most perfect nursery. I mentioned to Brandon yesterday that maybe we should just make it a guest room. It seems silly to waste space on a nursery for a baby that may or may not ever join our family. He was adamant that we set up the crib and create a space for the baby he is much more confident we will have. It was sweet to hear that from him.

4. Caleb's 2nd birthday is coming up in October. If he was born when we expected he would be nearly 20 months old. I try to imagine what he would look like, what he would sound like, and how our lives would be different with a little toddler running the show. I know he's in a better place with someone who loves him even more than I do. Still I can't help but wonder "what if?"

And now, because I can't show you what he would look like, I will leave you with a picture of his mommy and daddy. This is from my college graduation ceremony in May. If you look closely you can see the cross necklace I'm wearing. There is a very special story that goes with that necklace, which I will share soon.

Constant

2010-05-17T23:01:00.000-04:00

In my soul there is a hole that can never be filled, but in my heart there is hope that you are with me still. ~ Precious Child

Change. I've never been a fan. I excel when I know what to expect. Still, there is a part of me that always wants more. I'm a dreamer, imagining a better life for myself and my family. I'm quite the walking contradiction.

I started a new job today. It seems alright so far. The people aren't mean and the work seems challenging without being overwhelming. It's an excellent opportunity with great benefits and room to advance. Still I dread going back to the point that I'm in tears. I don't dread the job or the people...I dread what starting this new job means.

I quit a job last Thursday. A job I had for a long time. A long time when you consider that I'm barely 25. I started that job as a naive 21 year old, living with my boyfriend, going to school part-time, not having any real sense of what I wanted out of life, and NEVER expecting to get pregnant or have a baby.

I grew up there. Brandon and I split up. I ventured out into the world on my own. I transformed--physically and mentally. Brandon and I got back together. I got engaged. I got pregnant. I got married. I lost friends and gained friends. I lost pets and got new ones. I watched my family move out of my childhood home. I started seriously working towards my bachelors degree. I learned about law, about business, and about being let down. I moved twice and got in several car accidents. I grieved the death of my baby with people who were as excited as me for him to be born. I made friends, real friends not just the happy hour co-worker-type.

Leaving there is like leaving a piece of myself. That place was the constant in my life when so many things were changing. No matter what was going on with my relationship, my pregnancy, my physical appearance, my grieving...I ALWAYS had that place. I always had those people.

A lot of people don't get it. They see me graduating and starting this new job as such positive things. They wonder how I can be so sad. Maybe they think I'm ungrateful or crazy or just negative. And maybe I am. Maybe I shouldn't get so attached to people or places the way that I do.

I guess the only way I can explain it is by saying this:

When you lose something that you love SO much and nothing in the world will bring it back again... when there is a hole in your heart and sometimes you don't know how you can make it day to day, having constants are important.

Early

2010-04-21T05:13:00.000-04:00

It's hours before I need to be up, but I'm wide awake. I keep picturing you. I wonder what you would look like? Who would you be?

We're doing family photos tomorrow. At the park where I know you would have loved to play. Only they won't really be family photos because the entire family is not there. You're not there.

Daddy and I will hold a bear in place of you. We will smile and laugh, but inside our hearts will be heavy. It's odd to miss someone so much you only knew for a short time, but we do. We miss you so much that sometimes we cry. Sometimes we argue because we can't express how we are feeling in a better way. Sometimes we push the feelings down so we can go on with our day without the constant, gut-wrenching pain that will be with us forever.

I hope you know how important and how loved you are. Everything we do, we do for you. I'm finishing school next month and that's all because of you. I started when I knew you were coming, I persevered when you left and I will finish because that's what you would want and I want to make you proud.

I miss you so much, Caleb. I'm so sorry I failed you and I'm so sorry you're not here today. If I could trade my life for yours, I would in a second. I wish you could be here for family photos. I wish you could be a big cousin to Xander. I wish you could be there when I earn that degree that was inspired by you! I wish I could hold you, see you, kiss you, and hear you call me "mommy.”

Instead, I will hold a bear that doesn’t compare. I will look at the few pictures I have that will never be enough. I will kiss the little jar of ashes holding what's left. And I will lay awake at night and imagine what you would have become.

Bad Blogger

2010-04-11T11:34:00.002-04:00

I'm such a bad blogger. I started this blog way back when to remember Caleb and to document our journey of love, loss, and trying to start a family. I thought writing about all of these things would give me an outlet to express my feelings instead of my typical SOP, which involves keeping everything inside and then eating an entire carton of ice cream. Hey, don't knock it til you try it.

But days and weeks pass without me posting. I have things I want to share. Doctor’s appointments, failed attempts, births, deaths, nightmares...but I don't. I need to though. I can feel the weight of so many things resting on my shoulders and I need to write about it.

I have this weird habit. I make lists. When things are bothering me I make a list of what they are and then I start with the first item and try to figure out a way to fix it. You'll find these little pieces of paper strewn about my house with things like weight, job, and haircut written on them. I guess all that to say I like to keep track of my feelings otherwise I feel like they will overtake me. Emotions are crazy and unpredictable (2 things I don't really care much for) and making those little lists and keeping this blog are the only things helping me to understand mine.

So I'll start here...
My sister had her baby.

I was in the delivery room when he was born. It was probably one of the most amazing things I have ever witnessed. I don't like the expression that people use to describe this situation "I was there when his life began", because that's not true. A child's life begins at conception. Caleb was alive inside of me and just because he wasn't born alive, doesn't mean that his life never started.

Anyway, the birth was amazing and holding my nephew for the first time was unbelievable. My sister was in labor for a little over 12 hours before she started pushing. During that time, she had three different nurses check on her. The first 2 asked me if I had any children, so I told them about Caleb. I felt bad each time I brought him up, as if I was casting a gray cloud over my sister's exciting day. I decided after the second time to stop mentioning him.

When the third nurse asked me if I had any children I simply replied "no.” My sister, 10 cm dilated stopped the nurse and said, "That's not true. She has a son and his name is Caleb, but he passed away." I still get choked up thinking about that. I don't think my sister understood how much that meant to me. On the brink of giving birth to her baby, she stopped and remembered the one I'm missing so much. No gray clouds, just love.

Having a baby around (I have visited with him 10 out of his 12 days) has been an eye opening experience. It has definitely confirmed what Brandon and I already knew about our desire to have children. Before he was born, I thought my nephew would make me sad. I thought he would remind me of what I don't have. I was so wrong. Having him around reminds me of what I'm working for. The struggles that I face now are so insignificant compared to the joy that a baby will bring to our lives.

My wonderful husband, who usually doesn't have too much to say, summed it up best: "Nothing else will matter once we have our baby."

The Hospital

2010-03-28T12:09:00.001-04:00

Continuing the story of Caleb

I was admitted to the hospital on Tuesday September 30th, 2008. We got there shortly before 8 p.m. We sat in the same registration room we had the night before when I was the only one that knew something was wrong. We walked down the same hallway. The nurse led us into a private room, away from all the happy mommies and babies. There was a card with a single yellow rose taped to the plaque on the wall with my room number. I didn’t have to ask. I knew.

I had just enough time to change into that terrible hospital gown before visitors started appearing. Brandon’s mom, my mom, and my grandma. Followed by Brandon’s aunt and uncle and finally my best friend Britney. Brandon’s Aunt Deena gave us a beautiful wall hanging with little children playing. An angel watched over the children.

The nurse came to get the IV started and go over my medical history. She asked if I took any medications. I told her pre-natal vitamins, only not every day because they make me throw up. Then I quickly asked her if she thought that’s why this happened. She reassured me that had nothing to do with it and suggested I take Flintstones vitamins next time.

They couldn’t get the IV in. My veins are not cooperative. I was jabbed 7 or 8 times by 2 different nurses. The visitors were distracting themselves by watching Dancing with the Stars, but Brandon was right there by my side. He looked at me with this look of sadness in his eyes. Like he wanted to just take me and run away. Away from this crazy situation that we were in. How did we ever end up here? So many years of thinking we couldn’t. Then we do. Only to not.

The nurses, still poking, suggested I look away. Singing has always comforted me so I started singing the first thing that popped in my head. “Five. Five dollar. Five dollar footlong.” Everyone laughed. Brandon’s look of helplessness faded into a smile. I had never loved him as much as I did right then.

Finally, after a few more jabs and jokes about using all my veins during my former life as a drug addict, the nurses were able to get the IV in and going. The nurse gave me my first pill to start the induction. An oral tablet, Cytotec, which I can still taste to this day. Battery acid choked down with a little bit of water. The tiny little pill kept getting stuck in the back of my throat and would dissolve before I could get it down. Every 4 hours the nurse would come in with one of those tiny packets containing that pill that tasted like battery acid and was supposed to make my body deliver my dead baby. I would have drunk real battery acid if it meant giving him life.

After a few hours, the visitors left. Just me and Brandon alone in the room. The first time we had really been alone in months. Just me and him. Him and me. I drifted off to sleep for a while.

The next day, Wednesday October 1st, revealed that my body wasn’t progressing. I wasn’t dilating and felt no contractions. They offered my pain medicine, though. I refused. What if they were wrong about him? There was still hope. How silly.

I had a few more visitors that day. My friend Mandi came up for a little while. It was hard for her. I could see it in her eyes. She knew and she remembered being where I was. For two girls who don’t usually shut-up, there wasn’t much to say.

Later that afternoon, I asked my nurse, Fran, how long my doctor would let me stay like this. I wasn’t progressing and they had started the induction nearly 20 hours ago. He was supposed to be here by now. She told me that there wasn’t much they could do since I wanted to see the baby. It wasn’t like they could “...go in and do a D&E”. Her words echoed in my head. Was I not supposed to want to see my baby? My doctor never offered an alternative to delivery. My heart hurt. I wanted out.

That night brought more visitors and the doctor on duty. She did an exam and an ultrasound. Different this time because they didn’t bother turning the screen towards me. The doctor decided it was time to insert a balloon catheter. Before they did that, however, they would give me an epidural.

The epidural was done. As were both catheters. I fell asleep. A few hours later I woke up screaming. I couldn’t move and I was freezing. I started crying. “Why me? Why us? I just bought a stroller. God tricked me. Why? How could this happen?” The nurse looked scared. Brandon looked scared. But I couldn’t stop. I begged for them to let me move. “Take the epidural out. Please take it out. Give me blankets. Please, it’s so cold.” I had a fever and an infection. They called my doctor, who ordered antibiotics. I fell asleep.

I woke up early Thursday October 2nd. The nurse came in and told me that I couldn’t have any more water or popsicles. My doctor was doing a caesarean section later that afternoon. She started removing the balloon catheter that hadn’t worked. Or had it? As she pulled it out she realized it was time. She paged the doctor on duty and they came running. “Push. Just one good push.” I screamed again. “I don’t want to see him. Please don’t make me look.” And then it was over. Quiet. Painless. Sad. Nothing like I imagined.

They wrapped him up and let Brandon take a peek. They took him to a different room until my doctor could arrive. After what seemed like hours, my doctor finally came in and told me he didn’t see anything wrong with him. Nothing definite that would point to an obvious cause or reason. I asked if I could see him. He told me the nurse would bring him in shortly. I felt so horrible for ruining his morning. He looked like a shell of the usually upbeat person I would see during my check-ups. What had I done to create this huge mess?

Amazing

2010-03-15T19:10:00.000-04:00

Help one another, is part of the religion of sisterhood. ~Louisa May Alcott

I don’t talk a lot about my faith to those who don’t know me. I feel that there is a certain type of people in this world who, as soon as you identify yourself as a Christian, immediately try to discredit you and your beliefs. By nature, I’m a pretty non-confrontational type person and I’m not good at quoting Scripture in response to Biblical questions people have. There are amazing, gifted people all over the world who are much better suited for ministry. That is not a gift God gave me.

I don’t deny Christ, however. When asked, I answer honestly and proudly. I try to lead a life that exemplifies the lessons Christ taught us. And I hold to those truths when faced with adversity or obstacles. But I feel the best way I can demonstrate God's amazing powers, is by sharing examples of the grace and love He has shown in my life.

For example, my younger sister is pregnant. 39 weeks today to be exact and my future nephew is ready to be born at any moment. And I am overjoyed to be an aunt. I threw my sister's baby shower, I went for the 3D/4D ultrasound, and I will be there every step of the way in the delivery room.

To fully understand how amazing this is, you have to first understand how hard it is for me to be around anything relating to babies, especially baby boys. Just the sight of baby shampoo can send me over the edge some days. Babies obviously remind me of the one that I lost, but they also remind me of the one that I am struggling to conceive. The fact that I can even acknowledge my sister is pregnant is, well, amazing to me!

But don't get me wrong. I don't do these amazing things on my own. I don't have that much strength. In fact, if it were left to me alone, I would still probably be sitting in that restaurant, as I was five minutes after she told me, crying my eyes out. Thankfully, I don't bare this burden alone. God has been with me every step of the way, giving me strength, hope, and courage. I feel like I yet again see another reason God gave me Caleb. Caleb helped prepare me to help prepare my sister for this baby. If that makes sense?

We don't always get to see the reasons why God does things. We aren't always given the peace of mind to understand the 'big picture'. But in this case, I can't help but stand back and be in awe of His work.

Valetine Schmalentine

2010-02-14T08:00:00.003-05:00

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. ~ Groucho Marx

Brandon and I first "met" around Valentine's Day. We "met" online, which I know is so shocking to people for some reason, but when you consider the millions of other things people do online, I don't know why meeting a future boyfriend/girlfriend is such a faux pas.

Anyway, it was back in the days of AOL. Ya know, when you logged in it would say "You've Got Mail". Well for those of you that remember, there were also local chat rooms. You could find all kinds of different ones. I think it was kind of like an early Facebook or Myspace. It brought people together who shared a common interest or lived in the same area, etc.

So one night, I was logged on and in a local chat, but not really paying attention to the conversation. I want to say I was downloading songs from iTunes. All of a sudden an IM (remember those?) popped up and it said, "Lynyrd Skynyrd, huh?". The person IM'ing me was referencing the section on my profile which listed all of my musical likes. I was 18 at the time so there were A LOT!

I wrote back and said "Yea, I like them." The mystery person went on to tell me how when he was younger their dad took them to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert and all he can remember is the heavy smell of incense in the air, which of course later in life he learned wasn't really incense at all!

We started chatting a little more and I discovered that the mystery person was really Brandon. He was 19 at the time and lived about 30 miles away, but actually grew up really close to where I did. We talked about music, movies, work, school...pretty much everything. We exchanged phone numbers, but I was too scared to call. Eventually he called me and we chatted a few times on the phone.

Fast forward a few weeks later, my friend Britney and I were out shopping and I decided it would be funny to go spy on Brandon at his job. Britney was always down for a covert mission so off we went. We spotted him in the nursery section of a local general store. Apparently, at that point in time I was fearless because I marched right up to him and said hi. I told him who I was and that my plan was just to spy on him, but then I decided that was kind of weird. He said he would be off in a few hours and asked if I wanted to hang out. When he got off work, we met up for dinner and basically have been inseparable ever since. In fact, since that day, I think the longest we have ever gone without talking was maybe 2 days.

This is the story of how I met my Valentine. I'n sure it's not the most storybook meeting that has ever taken place, but it's ours and I love it. Oh yea, and I love him.

MoD

2010-02-12T17:55:00.004-05:00

A life without cause is a life without effect. ~Barbarella

When I found out I was pregnant, I’d like to think I had the normal reaction…fear! I was worried about everything from learning how to change diapers to paying for college. They say men become fathers when they hold their baby in their arms for the first time, but women become mothers the minute they learn they are pregnant. I couldn’t agree more with this observation. From the second I knew I had a tiny life growing inside of me, my maternal instinct kicked in along with all the worries that come with it.

That’s why I first visited the March of Dimes website. A parenting magazine I read told me they had a great section on keeping healthy during your pregnancy. I checked that site probably 20 times a day. I used it to find information on proper nutrition, pregnancy symptoms, and to look up all those big words that doctors like to use.
The website became an even more useful research tool during my sixth month of pregnancy when the doctors told me that my son, Caleb, was suffering from oligohydramnios, a lack of amniotic fluid. This can be a sign of birth defects in some babies. The doctors told me there wasn’t much I could do. They would continue to monitor Caleb and send me for some additional tests and screenings. I remember feeling so helpless. As a parent, you feel a responsibility to always care for your children in the best way you can, but here I was stuck, unable to do anything.

Immediately, I went to the MoD website to investigate. They had an entire section dedicated to pregnancy complications and a ton of useful information about oligohydramnios. It was such a sense of empowerment. I understood the condition more thoroughly and felt that I could have educated conversations with my doctors and other care providers.

Sadly, the diagnosis came too late for me. My little Caleb died in utero at 26 weeks gestation. His beautiful body was born into this world on October 2, 2008. Losing my baby is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever gone through. The pain, anger, and sadness are overwhelming. I remember the first few days at home after I left the hospital were devastating. I felt so alone and so lost. But yet again, MoD came to my rescue. Through their website, I was able to find a great deal of resources and information on dealing with a stillbirth. They connected me with several support groups filled with mothers feeling the same way I did. MoD even helped me after we received Caleb’s autopsy report. The cause of his oligohydramnios was due to a placental defect. MoD’s website gave me information on this and treatment options for future pregnancies.

Through my journey of healing, I have met with so many families that the March of Dimes organization has helped. From their work with premature babies to their research into birth defects, MoD is saving lives every day. I share my story not for sympathy, but because I want every expecting mother to be educated and empowered with the knowledge to understand their unborn child’s health. It’s easy to assume that all pregnancies end with healthy babies, but the fact is right now they don’t. There is hope, however. The research, education, and outreach that the March of Dimes provides are essential to changing that disturbing fact. There was nothing that could be done to save my baby, but I know that because of the March of Dimes, each day parents are spared from the pain that my family had to go through. And for that, I am so very thankful.

A Very Special Bond

2010-02-02T16:15:00.000-05:00

I believe that friends are quiet angels who sit on our shoulders and lift our wings when we forget how to fly. ~Unknown

Last weekend, I drove 3 hours to visit some incredible people I met on the internet. No, not creepy To Catch A Predator internet people. The two women I visited are beautiful, amazing, wonderful, women who I wouldn't even know if it weren't for sweet little Caleb.

I met Bev and Kandis through an online support group for stillborn moms. I have to tell you, this support board was a saving grace during these past 16 months. The women on there are amazing.

Bev and I began emailing back and forth shortly after I joined the group in late October 2008. Immediately, I was touched by her faith. We had so much in common down to the baby names we picked out (her twin boys were Joshua and Caleb). She has been such a wonderful friend to have during this journey and I can always count on her for spiritual support and guidance.

Kandis and I chatted occasionally on the support board and on Facebook, but lately she has become my go-to person for support with infertility. She knows a TON and whenever I have a question I go to her. She is such a remarkable person and has even created a Threads of Love chapter in memory of her sweet Isaiah.

The fellowship last weekend was amazing. We spoke for hours about our babies, our experiences, and our faith. Get this, we actually picked up some pizza and got so involved in conversation that we completely forgot we had food waiting for us in the kitchen. And trust me, I never forget about food!

One of my favorite parts of the weekend was on Sunday when Bev took me to see the Angel of Hope statue in Avon, Indiana. I was only slightly familiar with the story of the statue, but after seeing how beautiful it was I was inspired to see what I can do to bring one to Columbus.

Even this far along in the process, I still feel different. It's so hard to explain this feeling to someone who has never experienced what I have. But when I was around these women, I didn't need to explain. They understood because they feel that way too. All I could think about on my drive home Sunday afternoon was how great God really is.

A Time to...

2010-01-31T12:34:00.001-05:00

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven...a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away ~ Ecclesiates 3:1, Ecclesiates 3:6 (NIV)

When we found out we were pregnant with Caleb, people came out of the woodwork offering us baby items. From clothes to car seats, blankets to cribs, bassinettes, cradles, breast pumps to high chairs, the love and generosity those around us bestowed upon our budding little family was amazing.

All of Caleb's things have been boxed up and stored in our spare room for nearly 16 months. It pains me to call it a spare room because it should be a nursery, but it's not and may never be.

I went through the room recently and found some special items I haven't seen in a long time.

The very special (and oh so soft) blanket we purchased after we found out Caleb was a boy...

His prayer buddy...

His crib (now disassembled)...

His very first Buckeye accessory ...

A special gift from his Great-Nana...

And a few items I purchased just 2 days before we found out Caleb was gone...

These few things are special to me and I will never part with them. No matter how stupid I look having a crib with no baby. But there are other things that could really be put to good use by a new mom in need. A very hopeful part of me wants to hold on to all of these things. They help me feel close to Caleb and I like to imagine another child of mine getting to use all of the things that his or her big brother never got a chance to.

But a more logical part of me knows that these things don't bring me any closer to my baby. Only God can do that. These are just material items that Caleb never used. I also know that there is a small chance that we will ever have another child. And even if we do, it won't be for a long time. There are babies that can use these things now.

So I'm torn. Is it time to give up or should I hold on a little longer?

You're Outta There

2010-01-24T21:32:00.001-05:00

Never deprive anyone of hope; it might be all they have. ~ Unknown

Another cycle, another ill-fated attempt to blossom.

Pssst....I have a secret. Outside of a few people at work and of course the girls on my online support group, nobody really knows this. So, well, consider yourself in the know.

Brandon and I tried AI (a.k.a. Intrauterine Insemination) for the first time this month. On January 7th (which also happened to be one year since Caleb's due date and the day Columbus was hit with some NASTY winter weather), my husband and I narrowly avoided a 50-car pile-up and ventured to Dr. Fertile Myrtle's office for my monthly ultrasound to check follicle growth. Much to our surprise, my egg was growing on the right side. Four days later, we were back in her office for the insemination.

Yesterday I discovered that it was all for nothing.

Did I really think I would end up pregnant after our first attempt at insemination? No. I am the eternal pessimist. Still, the blow wasn't softened by my glass-half-empty attitude. It hurts. It's frustrating and it hurts. It's devastating and it hurts. It's embarrassing and it hurts. But, mostly, it just hurts.

So, tonight, instead of praying for a healthy pregnancy, I will ask God to give me strength and comfort. I don't know what He has planned for me but I know that, at least for the next few weeks, I will need both of these things

Healing vs. Forgetting

2010-01-03T11:17:00.004-05:00

Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.- Helen Keller

On Christmas, after all of our stops were done, and we were back at home, Brandon and I released balloons for Caleb. We released four balloons. One red, one green, one gold, and one white. I wrote a message on the red one and I drew Caleb a couple of pictures. Brandon wrote on the green one and I transcribed a message from our pup Lacy on the gold one. The white one was sent up to all of the other little angel babies in Heaven. We let the balloons go, said Merry Christmas, and came back inside. This is what I like to call "remembering".

I didn't cry on Christmas because I didn't have my baby boy with me. We made six stops to visit family and friends and no one really mentioned Caleb. I wasn't bothered by this. I wore my necklace to remind me of him. I held him in my heart all day. And I knew that Caleb was having the best Christmas because he was celebrating with none other than the birthday boy himself, Jesus. It was hard watching my sister open gifts for her baby that she's expecting in March. It was hard playing with our niece, who is now thought of (and maybe rightfully so) as the only grandchild on Brandon's side. But I had a sense of peace in my heart through it all. This is what I like to call "healing".

Some people, mostly those who have never been through a loss, confuse healing and forgetting. They think because I do things like release balloons, wear a necklace to remind me of Caleb, hang a stocking for him, or celebrate his birthday that I must not be healed. And since I do all of these things and appear, in their eyes, not be healed, well then I must be dragging this out for far too long. It's time to let go, they may say.

Six and a half months. That's how long Caleb was with me. Fifteen months. That's how long Caleb has been gone.

By God's grace, my heart has slowly healed. It's not completely healed, but it's better than it was. That's amazing when you think about it. When I found out Caleb's heart stopped, I wanted mine to stop too. I wanted to go with him. Now here I am, 15 months later, and I have hope again. I can remember my son and rejoice that, even though it was only for six and a half months, I got to be his mommy. I can do things like release balloons and be a little sad that he isn't here with me, but understand that it's ok that he's not.

In doing things to remind me of Caleb, I am healing. These things do not weigh me down or make me sad. They help me to become more at peace with what is. If I tried to pretend that what was had never been, if I tried to forget that for six and a half glorious months I carried with me someone who changed my life for the better, my heart would still be broken. I would have learned nothing from the experience God blessed me with. And at this point, that's exactly how I see it. Caleb wasn't meant to live in this life. He had a different purpose. In my own way, I think Caleb was sent to help me. And he did. What a crime it would be to forget that.

I See Pregnant People

2010-01-02T15:20:00.003-05:00

Before you were born I carried you under my heart. From the moment you arrived in this world until the moment I leave it, I will always carry you in my heart. ~Mandy Harrison

Pregnant women stalk me. Seriously. It's not just paranoia. Everywhere I go all I see are baby bumps. Sure, a rational person might say that since I am preoccupied with baby thoughts 90% of the time I am just hypersensitive to all things pregnancy. I'm not convinced. I'm almost positive (like 80% sure) that there is a very pregnant woman outside my house right now, with her Frosty and french fry combination in hand, waiting for me to leave so she can send a mass text message to all the other expectant mothers out there. Then they all stop their prenatal yoga, or whatever it is pregnant women do, and follow me from place to place. It's total CIA-type undercover work.

It's not that I'm not happy for these women. I would never wish what happened to me on anyone else. Ever. Plus, I don't know their stories. Maybe they suffered a loss or infertility and this is their miracle baby they are so proudly placing on display. But at the same time I can't help but feel jealous when I see a member of the Mommy-To-Be Club.

Before I got pregnant with Caleb I always thought how awful it must be to be pregnant. I knew I wanted a child some day, but I wasn't so sure about the whole pregnancy thing. I'm a pretty independent (ok, stubborn) person and don't like the idea of being told I can't do things. That's how I saw pregnancy. A big list of No-No's for 9 months. But I can remember hearing Caleb's heartbeat for the first time and understanding how amazing it was to be carrying a human life. Not being able to eat raw cookie dough for a few months seemed to pale in comparison to what I was doing.

Now I long to be pregnant again. I want someone to tell me to drink 10 glasses of water a day. Or that I can't have a glass of wine with dinner. Or to take the elevator instead of the stairs. But mostly, I want to have that bump. The one that shows the world that I am carrying one of God's children. The one that holds possibilities for tomorrow and for years to come. The one that is filled by a child that will have my lips and Brandon's eyes. The child that will go on to do many great things and live a long, full life.

Until then I guess I will just secretly admire/envy all of the other pregnant women out there.

Auld Lang Syne

2010-01-01T13:48:00.006-05:00

What can be said in New Year rhymes,

That's not been said a thousand times?

The new years come, the old years go,

We know we dream, we dream we know.

We rise up laughing with the light,

We lie down weeping with the night.

We hug the world until it stings,

We curse it then and sigh for wings.

We live, we love, we woo, we wed,

We wreathe our prides, we sheet our dead.

We laugh, we weep, we hope, we fear,

And that's the burden of a year.

-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Here's to another year...

Don't Put All Your Eggs in One Ovary

2009-12-08T17:24:00.005-05:00

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Unknown

Here we are again. Me versus another barren Christmas. Last year at this time I should have still been pregnant. I wasn't of course. So instead I prayed for a Christmas miracle. I prayed that God would bless me with another baby that would be here in time for this Christmas. That wasn't to be either. This year, I'm scaling it down a bit and praying for a Christmas conception. Isn't that how it works? I just keep bargaining with God like he's the guy at the flea market selling the knock-off Coach and eventually I will get what I want? I'm not exactly a theologian but I'm pretty sure the Bible doesn't promise that.

At any rate, we are taking a more proactive approach this year. An approach that I have been hesitant to pursue. Trying to conceive naturally for over a year without any success is hard enough on the spirit. But to involve doctors and drugs and treatments and to invest money and time and other resources...well it's an even more draining approach. But we have decided it is time to journey down that path.

Our new game plan involves moving forward with AI with some slight variations given my funny anatomy. Dr. Fertile Myrtle will conduct a monthly ultrasound to see which of my ovaries (right or left) will be releasing the egg for that cycle. If it's my right ovary, we are clear for insemination. I was pregnant with Caleb in my right uterus and it is definitely the bigger and safer side to attempt another pregnancy. Sadly, if it's my left ovary poppin' out the egg we are out of luck for that month. Trying an insemination in my left uterus is not only risky but almost impossible considering my doctor can't really access it.

So it sounds simple enough, right? Well it could be, but it can also be very difficult. Since my right uterus is much smaller than a complete uterus it's very dangerous for me to get pregnant with more than one baby. So the medicine they typically have women use to stimulate egg development is out of the question for me because it also increases your chances of ending up with 8 kids and a reality television show. Or, in my case, probably another loss. No big deal, you say, just wait until you ovulate on your right side. The problem is that there's no way to predict which side will release the egg. My left side may decide that it wants to pull rank over my right ovary and the more room-y uterus and spit out eggs for the next several months. In that case, we are just at a stand still. And the drugs that they could give me to stimulate both ovaries to produce eggs are banned from my medicine cabinet. Sure, we can try on our own. But the odds are very slim (like 0%) that I will get pregnant on the left side.

So as for that Christmas prayer of conception...well it's out. My ultrasound on Wednesday revealed that my left ovary produced the egg this cycle. So another barren Christmas awaits me this year but I have not lost my hope for a very fruitful 2010.

Please Remember Me

2009-10-15T20:33:00.007-04:00

It's not how long a star shines, but the brightness of its light. -Unknown

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. At 7 p.m. local time all around the world grieving parents, family members, and friends are lighting candles in honor of babies that were called home to spend eternity with the Lord.

Tonight, just like last year, Brandon and I lit a candle in honor of our son and for all of the other babies who stayed just a minute but changed the lives of so many.

To every parent who has ever lost a baby whether it be through a miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, prematurity, or any other tragic circumstance. This candle is for your angel. Or maybe your baby wasn't a baby at all. Maybe he was 5 or 24 or 36. This candle is for your angel, too. To every parent who has ever had to arrange a funeral, plan a memorial, buy a headstone, or kiss a cold forehead. This candle is for your angel. To every parent whose memories aren't memories at all but rather hopes and dreams that were shattered the day you learned your baby's heart would beat no more. This candle is for your angel.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It's meant to bring awareness to those who have suffered the loss of a baby. I'm very aware, but I wish wasn't.

For more information please visit http://www.october15th.com/ .

What A Difference A Year Makes...In Some Ways

2009-10-03T11:55:00.010-04:00

Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I'll miss you, Until we meet again! ~Author Unknown

Yesterday was one year since I gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. It wasn't the birth I imagined only weeks earlier. It was quiet, fast, and not physically painful. Still it was my first birth and I own those memories. And I own his memory. It is up to me to make sure his little life wasn't in vain.Yesterday being one year since the day I brought a tiny,lifeless baby boy into this world, I tried my best to honor his memory.

The day started with Brandon and I reading Caleb's memorial in the newspaper.

Later we picked up some donations for Touching Little Lives from my mom and sisters. This wonderful organazation handmakes clothing, blankets, and stuffed animals for premature, stillborn, and low income babies. When Caleb was born we received a beautiful gown, blanket, and hat. This was our chance to give back to other families going through a similar struggle.

After a very peaceful lunch with Brandon, we went shopping for our own donations for TLL. We picked up some beautiful fabric, yarn, and ribbon. We found the most beautiful fabric with stars and moons on it and bought all they had left! I think that was a sign from our little guy.

We met up with Marianne from TLL and gave her all of the donated items we received. Thank you to everyone who donated both materials and money. They were so thankful for everything they received.

Finally, we headed down to St. Jospeh's Cemetery to complete what we have decided will be our yearly tradition. Earlier in the day it was raining but the sun came out as we were driving. It turned into a beautiful afternoon and the clouds almost brought tears to my eyes.

Once we got to the cemetery, we left the flowers at the statue at the front of the baby section. Then it was time to let our balloons go.

And you can probably guess what happened next. Yup, they got stuck in the tree, Brandon's popped, and I cried. We even made it a point to walk as far away from the trees as we could, but the wind still carried our 3 little balloons bound for Heaven right into them. Brandon assured me that Caleb probably thought it was hilarious until I started crying. And that he probably would have popped them as soon as he got them anyway. After I calmed down, I came to the conclusion that maybe they didn't need to go all the way to Heaven because yesterday Caleb was with us.

After leaving the cemetery, we headed down to the farm markets and pumpkin patch. We bought 4 pumpkins this year- one for Daddy, one for Mommy, one for Lacy, and one for Caleb. Caleb's was a little bigger this year because, as Brandon said, he is a little bigger this year.

One the way home we drove past the cemetery again only this time our balloons weren't in the trees any more. Caleb must have taken them back to Heaven with him.

I have missed my son every single day of this last year. Often times, I miss him so much that I cry. I'm not crying for him though, he is at peace. The Lord spared him even one minute of suffering on this earth. I cry for myself and the hole in my heart that will never be filled. I cry for Brandon everytime we pass a park and a father and son are playing catch. I cry for everyone else who loved Caleb. I cry because each day that passes is one day further from the short time I spent with him. My memory becomse more blurred and I remember less and less. The way he smelled, the way he looked, the way he felt.

I never want to forget and yesterday I didn't.

One Year Ago This Game

2009-09-12T20:06:00.006-04:00

College Football...in the midwest it's a sure sign of fall and a way of life all year long. I've been an Ohio State Buckeye fan since I was old enough to hold a pom-pom. There are pictures of me as a toddler walking around in a Buckeye's cheerleader uniform. Gamedays are a huge tradition with my family and friends.

When I was pregnant, one of the first things I bought was a bib that said "I Slobber Scarlet and Gray". Once we found out we were having a boy, Brandon and I bought Caleb every Buckeye outfit we could find. My original due date was scheduled the same day as the National Championship game that every Buckeye fan prays we will play in every year. I imagined laying in the hospital bed, nursing Caleb, and watching our Bucks bring home a National Title.

I had visions of Caleb playing football one day, taking him to games in the 'Shoe, and establishing that weekly autumn tradition with my little boy. My uncle (the man that raised me as his own daughter) made OSU games one of the most memorable parts of my childhood. I couldn't wait to pass that on to my little one.

Tonight, OSU is playing USC. It's a huge game. Two top ten teams going at it. Tickets were $4,000+ in some cases. The whole town of Columbus is basically tuned into this game. This is a make or break game for OSU and for all it's fans. All I can think about is last year, when OSU and USC met for a game on a night like this, at this same time. The weather here was almost the same. All my friends and family were talking about the game all week. I watched the game on the same TV, wearing this same shirt, with the same excitement. One thing was so different then though.

Last year, when I watched this game, I had Caleb with me. He was rooting the Buckeye's on with his mommy and daddy. We were counting down the days until he would join us and we could put all the adorable little scarlet and gray outfits on him. He was still here, very real to me- not just a memory. Not just a could have been or should have been. People were all too eager to talk about him. To share in my excitement about having my very own lil' Buckeye.

Not anymore.

My son is gone. My happiness, my excitement, my hopes are gone too. I miss him so much tonight. He should be here, cheering for our team with me. He should be wearing a little jersey. I should be plastering my Facebook with pictures of him. But he's just not.

The entire city is buzzing with excitement for this match-up that is about to start and all I can think about is how much better things were one year ago this game.

Something in the Air

2009-08-23T12:34:00.003-04:00

Bittersweet October. The mellow, messy, leaf-kicking, perfect pause
between the opposing miseries of summer and winter. ~Carol Bishop Hipps

We've been having unseasonably cool weather the past couple of days. It feels and looks like early Fall. Nobody is at the pool, enjoying the last few days of summer break. Everyone grabs a sweater before heading outside. If I hid the calendar, I would swear that it was October and not August.

This mild weather has transported me back to last year. To the last time I felt weather like this. The temperature outside has that same crisp feeling that it did on October 2nd, 2008. The night that I left the Maternity Ward feeling very un-maternal.

The grass is getting darker- turning from it's usual bright summer green, to a more muted green that it turns every year just before dying. I look out my window and see the same color grass I did on October 4th, 2008. The day that was supposed to be my baby shower, but instead turned into a day of visitors dropping off flowers and food and making awkward conversation before quickly shuffling out the door.

There is even a smell in the air. I'm pretty sure it's a Midwest smell symbolizing the end of pool parties and cook-outs and the beginning of college football and leaf blowing. It's the same smell that was in the air on October 26th, 2008- the day we had Caleb's memorial service. I stood there, in front of family and friends, reading a letter I wrote to Caleb- feeling the crisp air, noticing the dying grass, and smelling that autumn smell.

I was closer to him then. His hospital gown still had the remnants of his smell. People around me still let me grieve openly and honestly. I could still remember the way his skin felt against my lips.

The weather is back, but my Caleb is gone forever.

Our Thing

2009-08-16T21:35:00.003-04:00

Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you. If they speak, you break down. ~Bede Jarrett

I've been M.I.A. lately. Writing about Caleb, whether other people read it or not, is helpful sometimes. Most of the time actually. But there are times, like these past few weeks when writing is just too much. It brings up too many emotions that are already making it hard just to live life each day.

Brandon tells me that Caleb is "our thing". I can't expect other people to remember him, to celebrate his life the way we do. He says that by expecting that from everyone I'm just causing myself more pain. I KNOW he is right. It makes sense. He's our son--we are the people responsible for his legacy. Still, sometimes is nice when people remember. It's nice when grandparents include him in their counts of grandchildren or when people bring him up in conversation. I know I can't expect this from everyone all the time, but occasionally it's nice to know that people still care and remember him and the life that was cut way too short.

Caleb is "our thing", probably more so "my thing". I was the first one to know he was growing inside me, to feel him move, to hold him, to kiss him. The moment I found out there was a baby on the way my life changed. I started making all these plans. I had him grown-up and married off before I was 15 weeks along. Now here I am with nothing but a memory and a broken heart.

Oh...and some flowers....

Happy Every After....

2009-07-19T19:52:00.000-04:00

The Longest Day of My Life....

2009-07-09T21:43:00.003-04:00

I took last Thursday off from writing about Caleb's story. Writing and sorting through the emotions that come with remembering these events in such detail is very hard for me. Last week was a bad week and I was in NO WAY prepared to write. I'm back now and ready to share more of Caleb's story...

Tuesday September 30th, 2008 was a beautiful autumn day. The sun was shining and the smell of fall was in the air. The leaves were starting to turn and people were beginning to put out Halloween decorations. College football was well under way. People on the TV were talking about OSU's big game against Wisconsin the following weekend. It was a typical fall day in Ohio.

I remember that day in such detail. I absorbed every single minute of it. I don't always do that in my daily life. I tend to zone out a lot and find hours of my life gone without really knowing where they went or what I did. I never remember my daily commute. I don't really remember the details of the first time I met Brandon. My wedding day is a blur. And my high school graduation might as well never have happened. But this day was different...I was so alert for every single minute. It is burnt into my memory forever.

I started calling my doctor at 8 a.m. that morning. I wanted to see my doctor- I wanted him to do a real ultrasound and to tell me this was all some big mistake. I knew we would all laugh about it later. The doctor in the hospital last night didn't even say Caleb was gone. She never said those words so it must not be true. Besides that ultrasound machine wasn't nearly as nice as MY doctor's machine. Surely he will be able to find a heartbeat. These are the things I thought in my head knowing all along that I was lying to myself.

Finally, I got a hold of my doctor's nurse. She told me I could see him at 1 o'clock and then we could discuss our options. Yeah, like there were any. Brandon was sleeping and I was going crazy in the hotel room. I called my boss and told her. I talked to my Grandma, my uncle, and Brandon's mom. I didn't really know what to say, but I felt like I had to be strong. I woke Brandon up and told him we had to leave that hotel room. I felt like a caged animal. The truth is I could have been anywhere and felt that way.

I knew I couldn't go home still. All the baby stuff would be too much. We drove around pretty aimlessly for a while. Finally, after what seemed like eons, it was time to head to the doctor's office. Since it was a Tuesday, my doctor was working in another office out in a rural part of the area. The office is kind a generic office for many different doctors. They all share it and provide medical services for the people in the area. Tuesday's happen to be Gyno days in the country.

Not only do the doctor's share an office, they also share a receptionist. And this is how I encountered Awkward Moment Number 1 (I'm sure any parent's who have lost a child can tell you about these moments. They also happen at places like the grocery store when you bump into an old friend and they ask about the baby or when someone asks you how many children you have). Had we gone to the regular office the entire staff would have known who I was and what was happening. I had called the office 20 times that morning and talked to everyone from the nurse to the cleaning lady. But it wasn't that office. Instead, we got to play 20 questions with this receptionist. Finally, my doctor's medical assistant arrived and saved the day.

She called us back into the room and told us how sorry she way. She was so sweet that it made me feel bad for making her a party to this horrible event. Finally, our doctor came in the room. He hugged me and told us how sorry he was. Again, he is such a nice guy and I felt so bad for bringing him this pile of crap which was my life at the moment.

He told us we could wait and see if labor began naturally or I could go to the hospital and be induced. He spoke with the hospital staff and they said I could come in at 8 p.m. that night. I knew I couldn't walk around waiting for labor to start. I couldn't knowingly carry by dead baby inside of me. I had to go and I had to go as soon as possible. He said he understood and told me he would be on call all night, though he doubted anything would happen until the next morning. I asked him if I had to see the baby. At that point, neither me or Brandon thought we wanted to. He told us that we didn't have to, but he recommended it. Looking back, I can't believe I even thought I wouldn't want to see Caleb.

We left the doctor's office and had no where else to go. I was forced to face the baby stuff. We went home and I started calling funeral homes. Brandon and I discussed a funeral, but we both knew we couldn't do that. We would have him cremated and bring him home to be with us forever.

I talked to several people that day, but the conversation I remember most was with one of my best friends, Mandi. Mandi's son James was stillborn in 2004. We talked on the phone for a long time. We talked about seeing the baby, what to bring to the hospital, pictures, and outfits. We talked about how this is the worst thing that could happen and how unfair it is to lose a baby you haven't even met. We said that Caleb and James were now buddies in Heaven. We talked about how the pain never goes away but that it will become easier to deal with after time. She told me to hold my baby and to do all the things I would have done if he had been born alive. She told me how sorry she was that I had to join her "club". I'm very fortunate that I have had Mandi on this journey. A lot of mom's in my shoes are very alone, but I am able to discuss this with someone who I have known for a long time and who knows me inside and out.

After I talked to Mandi, I decided to take a bath and try "enjoy" what could be my last few hours of being pregnant. I shaved my legs and scrubbed the dry skin off my feet. I wanted to at least feel presentable during what I knew would be an otherwise ugly time. Then I took a short nap and got ready to leave for the hospital.

As much as I didn't want to go, I had to get it over with. Holding on to what was would have been pointless....

The Jury is Out

2009-06-30T17:42:00.004-04:00

"There is not remedy for love but to love more." ~ Henry David Thoreau

In law there is this Latin term, Stare decisis, which basically means "that which has been decided". It's used to explain the obligation of judges to follow precedent that has been established in previous decisions.

When you are trying to conceive a baby there is this constant cycle that you live through. First you bleed, then you countdown the days until you ovulate, then you try, try, try, try, and try some more to plant the seed. The final step (and the most exhausting believe it or not) is when you wait. Some women call it their 2WW, or 2 week wait. It's the period of time from ovulation, and hopefully conception, until you bleed again. This 2 week wait for me is stare decisis.

It's been decided.There is NOTHING else I can do. My body knows if I'm pregnant, but I don't. There is no going back or trying more. The only thing I can do it wait. IT'S ALREADY BEEN DECIDED. Nature has to apply the facts:

Did I ovulate this month?
Did we try on the right day?
Did fertilization occur?
Did implantation occur?

The only thing I can do, and believe me I DO, is pray. I don't always pray that I will become pregnant. Sometimes I pray that God will help me see the blessings I already have in life. I pray that He will help heal some of my pain with that 30th day comes and I do realize that I'm not pregnant. I pray for understanding, contentment, love, and continued faith. But usually I'm praying for a pregnancy.

I don't understand why it's so hard. At this point, I feel like I have a better chance of winning the lottery than seeing a positive pregnancy test. Isn't it amazing how quickly that happened?!

So today is Day 29 and it's been decided. The jury will announce their verdict tomorrow. And there is NO chance to appeal the ruling.

Finding Out

2009-06-25T21:30:00.001-04:00

Finding Out: Where the Heartbeat Would Normally Be

Monday September 29th, 2008. Ain't it funny the difference a day makes. I run across this date sometimes, usually at work, and I ALWAYS stop dead in my tracks.

It was just another Monday. I felt a little funny but I was getting further along and it seemed like pregnancy was affecting my body more everyday. I wish I could say that I didn't feel Caleb move around as much or that something just felt wrong, but that's not true. So much for maternal instinct, huh?

The last "normal" thing that happened that day was the electric company calling me to tell me our electric was shut off temporarily because someone had stolen copper wire from a sub-station. I remember laughing and joking with the customer service rep about the sheer stupidity of someone risking their life to make some quick cash. What a stupid memory. This would be the last time I laughed in that care-free kind of way for a long time. I called my Grandma to tell her about the electric incident and just to chat on my commute home. I didn't feel sick, I felt fine- energetic even.

This all changed when I got home. My right side started hurting and nothing I could do would make the sharp pain go away. I called my doctor's answering service and asked him to call me. I called my Grandma again- this time in pain. She told me to try laying down and wait for the doctor to call back. My doctor's partner called me back and asked me some basic questions. He told me it sounded like nothing but to go get checked out at the maternity ward anyway. I KNEW something was wrong. Brandon almost didn't go to the hospital with me. He was working nights at the time and was trying to get some rest before he had to go in. I remember standing at the front door being so irritated at him looking for shoes to put on. Internally, I knew the baby was in trouble but no one else did. This sounds awful but for a few seconds I was so angry with my husband. I was angry with him for taking time trying to find shoes, I was angry him for not knowing what I knew. My whole body was shaking but nobody else knew what I did.

We got to the hospital and got registered. I can remember the woman in registration asking me about some bill that I had just paid. I wanted to scream at her. I was sitting there in a panic with my husband who was clueless and this woman that wanted to discuss an $80 bill I had paid earlier that day. How could the whole world be so blind to what was happening?

Finally, I went back to the exam room. I had to give a urine sample and then the nurse tried to find the heartbeat. She couldn't. Another nurse came in and tried. She told me that they can be hard to find this early. Early? I was 26 weeks. I had heard the heartbeat very clearly at 12 weeks. One of the nurses said she thought she could hear something in the background. I'm sure it was my heartbeat. I begged for an ultra-sound. They paged the doctor and told me she would be right up. It seemed like it took hours for the doctor to get there. I said probably 100 Hail Mary's- just over and over again:

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen

Brandon held my hand and told me not to worry. I was crying and told him it was bad. The baby was gone. He told me that I didn't know that and the doctor would be there soon. But I did know that. I knew that while the nurse was checking for the heartbeat, I knew that when woman in registration questioned me about a bill, I knew it when Brandon was searching for shoes and socks.

The doctor came and started the ultra-sound. I asked where the heartbeat was and in a rather stern voice she told me she was looking. I said "He's gone, huh?". She pointed to the screen and said "Well, this is where the heartbeat would normally be." Not a very direct answer and certainly not the one I wanted to hear. I started screaming- real screams- blood curdling, heart wrenching screams. They wheeled me into a private room and sent a nurse and chaplain in to talk to us. Brandon called my Grandma. What a call that must have been. A few hours before I was laughing about people stealing copper. Now she was hearing that her great-grandson was dead.

Eventually, I calmed down. The nurse offered me sedatives but I refused. Brandon told me I should take them. I couldn't- what if they were wrong? What if the baby was still alive? What if this was all just a huge mistake. The reason I love my husband so much is because he is logical but he is also very patient when I am not so logical. He took my hand, looked me in the eye and just said "No. Baby, there's no mistake."

We stayed in the hospital for a while. Eventually, my mom, grandma, and sister came up. My husband's mom also came up. The nurse told me I could be admitted that night or I could wait and see my doctor the next day and come back. We selected the latter option. I needed out of that hospital- but I knew I couldn't go home. There was baby stuff EVERYWHERE. We decided to get a hotel room that night.

I will never forget that night as long as I live. Brandon and I laid awake all night talking about everything. We talked about our son, our future, religion, death and everything else. It was a talk that reminded me of our early days together when we would stay on the phone with each other all night discussing everything and nothing at all. Brandon was SO strong for me during this time. He just seemed to have this way of putting everything into perspective. I've heard losing a child can drive some couples apart but in our case I think it made us love and respect each other even more.

And that is our story. That is how we found out that our son, our baby boy, would be born but would never have life.

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-21T00:00:00.002-04:00

It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons. ~ Johann Schiller

Just because you've never held a crying infant or changed a dirty diaper doesn't mean that you're not a father; just because you have doesn't mean you are. - Me

The man I consider my father is not the one who gave me half of my DNA. I don’t share the same eye color with him or even the same last name. I don’t call him “Dad”, but that’s what he is. He is the one who taught me how to tie my shoes, pushed me on the swing set, took me camping, comforted me when my heart was broken, and walked me down the aisle when I got married. He taught me things about people, science, politics, and sports. His presence has always been voluntary; he is there for me because he loves me not because he helped conceive me.

Happy Father's Day, Uncle Danny.

And to my darling husband, on this which would have been his first Father's Day...

Caleb was very lucky to have you as a dad. Your love, support, and generosity to me is a beautiful testament to how you would have been as a father to our baby boy. I hope some day God will bless us again and all of the love we have in our hearts will be given to another child.

A girl searches her whole life to find someone who loves her as her father does, and I have found that in you, Brandon. I love you so much and I'm sure Caleb is sending his love to you this Father's Day as well.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy/Brandon. Love, Caleb and Summer

Juggling

2009-06-20T09:40:00.002-04:00

Be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact, and remember that Life's Great Balancing Act ~ Dr. Seuss Oh The Places You'll Go

There are these moments when I can feel myself losing grip. I can actually feel myself dropping the ball on something. Not on like a project for work or an assignment for school, but on an entire area of my life. I work so diligently to keep all the balls in the air, but I still feel like I’m just getting by. There is no breathing room and there is no room for error. All of these balls must be moving fluidly together in order for me to have peace.

Work Ball: This ball is time consuming to juggle. It leaves me mentally, and recently, emotionally exhausted. Dropping this ball is not an option because the Money Ball relies on it.

Money Ball: This ball has been the cause so many headaches and fights. Every time I get it where it’s supposed to be, at a comfortable height, it comes crashing down on me.

School Ball: Going to college was my dream starting when I was still watching Sesame Street and playing with dolls. Even so, the school ball is tedious and repetitive. I can never get ahead of it. The ONLY blessing with this ball is that I can see the day where I will no longer have to juggle it.

Marriage Ball: I abuse this ball. I take advantage of it and let it drop, knowing that I can go pick it up, wipe it off, and only be left with a little scratch. My reasoning is that the Marriage Ball is there for better or worse and letting it fall in order to save another ball is ok. One day I will drop this ball and it will break for good.

Health Ball: This ball is also dropped a lot. In fact, sometime around the beginning of October 2008 I dropped this ball and haven’t been able to find it since.

Relationship Ball: My friends and family ball. This is another ball that takes some abuse and neglect. I keep in the air, but it isn’t pretty. It keeps getting smaller and smaller as I go through life, and while that makes it easier on me now, it’s going to hurt in the end.

Grief Ball: This ball was thrown at me from 1,000 feet in the air at 100 mph last September. It’s enormous, almost too heavy to lift. When I first got this ball, all of the others ones fell by the wayside. This was the only one that I could hold and I could barely do that. Overtime, it got easier to handle and now I am able to juggle this one with all of the other balls. There are even periods of time when I can toss the ball so high in the air that it stays out of the way for a while. Then with no warning, it begins flying back at 100 mph and I drop everything and just lose myself in this big ball of grief.

The Pregnancy

2009-06-18T00:00:00.000-04:00

Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.

(By the way, that's basically my favorite quote ever.)

My pregnancy went "normal" for the first 19-20 weeks, although it's hard to really say that because my original OB/GYN was a nightmare. I could go into detail about the hundreds of things he should have done but didn't do, but let me just sum it up like this...he NEVER called me by my correct name. Not once. Despite the fact that he had my chart in front of him. So if a doctor can't even be bothered to look at a chart to find the patent's name, how can anyone expect him to do much else? And he didn't.

At about 20 weeks, me and my hormones had all I could stand of this very poor excuse for a doctor. We switched to the most wonderful, caring, professional OB/GYN ever! I could sing his praises all day long, but I'm a bad singer so just take my word for it. He immediately got me in for almost weekly ultrasounds to check my cervix. Premature labor is a common problem for women with a uterine anomaly. My cervix was always thick and strong...or however a cervix should be. Sadly, it remained this way even after losing Caleb which resulted in 36 hours of "labor".

I had morning sickness all throughout my pregnancy. Brushing my teeth became a 30 minute routine every morning. *Insert toothbrush, begin brushing, throw-up. Rinse and repeat 5 times.
It wasn't all bad though. I just figured hygiene and the ability to eat breakfast would be the first of many of things I would lovingly sacrifice for my son.

Although it seems like Caleb has been with me forever, the truth is I was only pregnant for 6.5 months. And for nearly 2 of those months I didn't even know I was pregnant. So basically, the summer of 2008 began with Caleb and it ended with Caleb. It was a beautiful summer though. I can remember one Saturday morning in June, Brandon and I were up early and we were sitting on our balcony watching the sunrise. It was the most beautiful moment and I felt like, for that one moment, everything was as it should be. Deep down I also knew that we would never get a moment like that again.

July was exciting because we found out Caleb was a Caleb and not a Lucy*. I'm very impatient when it comes to surprises so as soon as we could I rushed us right in for a 3D ultrasound. Brandon later told me that when the ultrasound tech announced the Y-chromosome, he wanted to cry. He was SO happy to be having a son. The next day I was out shopping for nursery stuff. Stars and moons- with a color scheme of pale blue, brown, and yellow. All of that stuff is packed up now and I haven't seen it in months, but my heart still hurts a little when I think about it. Those are just things- they shouldn't bother me. They aren't son. My son never even saw or used any of that stuff. But they represent him. And all that he was to become, but didn't.

August was another month down. I was getting anxious. His actual due date was January 7th but the doctor had already told me we would be having a C-section probably near the end of December. We were approaching the final stretch. Our little dog, Brittle, passed away at the end of August. It was SO hard. I cried for days. I had visions of Caleb and Brittle growing up together. Brittle trailing Caleb as he was learning to walk, chewing up toys left laying around, and playing with him when he was lonely. August ended on a sad note.

Towards the middle of September, around 23 weeks, our doctor noticed that my amniotic fluid was low. He did another ultrasound around 24 weeks and decided to refer me for a Level 2 Scan. He speculated that Caleb may have some kidney issues due to some sort of genetic disorder. He also said it could be nothing, and it could be that the reason the fluid looked low was because I only had half a uterus and space was limited. He did one final ultrasound on Tuesday September 23rd. Our baby was still alive and moving that day. The Level 2 Scan was scheduled for Friday October 3rd. We found out Caleb was gone on Monday September 29th. That day will haunt me forever.

For A Friend...

2009-06-11T21:50:00.008-04:00

A friend from the Stillborn Support Message Board has decided to write a book about the experience of losing her beautiful baby boy. The book will be semi-autobiographical but she is also incorporating stories from other women she has met who are also in this journey with her. She has asked interested mother's to answer some questions about their losses. I have decided to contribute for several reasons: 1) She did this for me

2) At the early stages of my grief, and even now, I would have loved to read such a book and 3) I love to discuss Caleb. It's hard to believe it's been 8 months and sometimes I find myself forgetting things about him and the experience and I find that talking (or writing) about it helps me remember some details.

So instead of just writing one huge, gigantic post about an the 6.5 months I had with my son and the 8 months since he's been gone I've decided to do something a little different. Well, different for me but somewhat common in the blog world- I'm going to make a weekly post detailing my experiences. And since Caleb was born on a Thursday, the day now has a symbolic meaning. So without further ado, I give you Week 1...

Finding Out...

I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 7 weeks. My husband and I had been together 5+ years and I had never even had a late period. Several years ago I was diagnosed with something called a Bicornuate uterus with a vaginal septum (later re-diagnosed as a Uterus didelphys). I never had a doctor flat out say this would prevent fertility, obviously it didn't, but they did say that it can cause some issues. I always attributed my husband and my lack of conception to this and figured when the time was right we would explore our options.

So needless to say I was very shocked when I found out I was in fact pregnant. I had the classic symptoms- sore breasts, morning sickness, fatigue, CONSTANT bathroom breaks. Finally, I took a pregnancy test on the morning of May 19th, 2008 and confirmed what I suspected. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't scared. I made awful jokes (that I feel SO guilty about today) but that was my way of handling the news. My husband on the other hand was very happy and his reaction definitely calmed me down. I think all mothers must go through a roller coaster of emotions when they see those 2 pink lines- no matter what their current situation. Having a baby is scary. Period. I guess I had always just assumed the real trouble started AFTER you gave birth. Boy, was I wrong.

I think the scared feelings lasted for about a day and then it was a different feeling- one I had never experienced before and one I LONG for now. It was a nervous energy/more excited than I've even been/in love with someone so completely/maternal instinct/ Higher Power/natural/beautiful/happy/promising/complete/panicked /
calm/blissful/wondrous/amazing/heartbeats and morning sickness/hopeful/faithful/thankful kind of feeling. It was everything rolled into one teeny-tiny person. First he was the size of a walnut, then a grape, then an orange, a grapefruit...the once in a lifetime feeling kept growing. Pregnancy is something bigger than us. It's like watching God at work right in front of your eyes. Rarely do people ever get to see miracles...but that's what pregnancy is. A miracle.

Two days after I found out I was pregnant I bought a baby book and my journey began...

Unbirthday

2009-06-08T00:00:00.000-04:00

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. ~Larry Lorenzoni

One year ago today...I turned 23.

One year ago today...I was throwing up my all you can eat sundae bar.

One year ago today...I was 9w4d pregnant.

One year ago today...I wished it was today.

One year ago today...I didn't understand pain, loss, or sorrow the way I do now.

One year ago today...I was naive and believed that all pregnancies ended with a crying baby.

Yes, it's my birthday. No, I don't want to celebrate. What I want is to carry out the plans I made last year. I want to take my 6 month old son to the park and feed him his first bite of ice cream cake. I want a birthday card addressed to "Mommy". But I can't have those things. I don't even have the promise that next year will be different.

My son will never get a birthday so I don't want any more either. I declare today my very unhappy "unbirthday".

You Are My Everything...

2009-06-03T21:21:00.001-04:00

Diary of a Chronic Procrastinator

2009-05-31T18:02:00.013-04:00

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. ~Mark Twain

14 Easy Steps to Avoid Writing a Paper:

1. Have coffee and cinnamon buns with father. (Ok, ok- 2 cinnamon buns, you food nazis!)

2. Drive around town in a futile attempt to find FAVORITE energy drink...then settle on a BOGO Diet Peach Snapple. (Learn female kangaroos are called flyers)

3. Have a text-a-thon with best friend for at least 1 hour. (Recalling inside jokes from 7th grade is optional)

4. Check mailbox on a Sunday.

5. Get stuck behind someone driving 40 mph in a 55 mph zone(which everyone knows really means 65)but never utter so much as 1 swear word.

6. Tempt fate by taking self-portraits in said 55 mph zone. (never know when a future Facebook/Myspace default image may occur)

7. Make no real attempt to avoid red lights.

8. Play Hide and Seek in friend's Pole Barn.

9. Watch first episode of the new season of VH1's Charm School and for the first time really appreciate the importance of a positive male influence in a young girl's life.

10. Discuss procrastination issue and desire to complete homework in a timely manner with 2 family members, 3 friends, and dog.

11. Upload 4 months worth of digital pictures to Photobucket account.

12. Watch last 1 hour of Austin Powers Goldmember with husband while begging and pleading for a Frosty Float.

13. Devour Frosty Float in less than 4 minutes, causing 1st degree Brain Freeze.

14. Spend 30 minutes creating elaborate blog about wasted day, while blank Word Document causes extreme guilt which leads to a headache (possibly left-over Brain Freeze) and the declaration that the paper isn't really due until Tuesday anyway so it's not like there is any need to hurry.

In the Beginning...It was dark

2009-05-30T20:25:00.000-04:00

I stumbled across this today. This is my first entry on the Stillborn support board I'm a member of. I posted this on October 11th, 2008- 9 days after I gave *birth* to Caleb. It was a dark time and I didn't sleep much. I basically spent all day and night chatting with these remarkable women who helped me the hardest thing I've ever been through. Without them I'm not sure where I would be today.

I've been reading some of the other posts for a while and think that maybe I am visiting this site too soon. I just gave birth to my little angel on October 2nd- he was 26w1d. I have an amazing bunch of family and friends but I just can't open up to any of them. I feel so alone right now. Caleb was due on January 7th. He was in a breech position and because I have a didelphys my OB was planning a c-section for late December. I was planning on having my baby in my arms when we rang in the new year. 2 months ago I couldn't wait for Christmas...now every holiday decoration makes me sick to my stomach.

My fiance and I have been together for over 5 years and I've never had so much as a late period. I always assumed it was due to my uterine problems and doctor's assured me that when I was ready, there were options. Then it happened. He came into my life and gave me the hope of something that I never knew I wanted so badly. My last period was around April 3rd. Around the start of May my aunt became really sick (cancer) and we drove out to Iowa to visit her. With all the concern over my aunt I guess I didn't realize that I hadn't had a period in almost a month and a half. Then the symptoms started- getting sick when I brushed my teeth, sore breasts, that run down feeling- was I getting the flu? I was talking to my boss one day and she told me to go to the drugstore ASAP and get a HPT. Off I went, never expecting it to be positive. How could it? But there it was. 2 pink lines. The most amazing thing I've ever seen. The next day I bought a baby book and the rest is history.

I've never loved someone so much. I didn't care if it was a boy or girl. I just wanted to hold the little piece of me in my arms and never let go. I wanted to have the 'perfect family' that I didn't have. We were so excited. We did a 3-D/2-D ultrasound at 17 weeks just to find our the sex. A little boy. A perfect little boy. My fiance was so excited. He would have loved a girl he said, but boys are so much easier. Plus, who could handle a little me running around? I am a bit of a princess. The only problem was that we could not agree on a name. We had 3 pages of girls names. Girls can have adorable names but boys have to have something strong. It took us a while but we finally decided on Caleb. Caleb Patrick- Patrick after my grandmother Patricia. She raised me when my mother couldn't and has been the strongest influence in my life.

I made up little songs to sing to Caleb. I would talk to him in the shower every morning, on the way to work, on the way home, and my favorite time was right before bed. I would lay there before falling asleep, rub my belly and talk to my son. I would tell him how much I loved him, talk about things we would do when I he finally arrived, sing him songs, teach him how to pray. I loved knowing there was something growing inside of me. It made everything else seem so small and petty. Oh how I loved my little Caleb.

I switched doctor's around 20 weeks. My old OB was awful. My new doctor was amazing. He immediately had ultrasounds done on my cervix (pre-term labor is a common risk for women with uterine anomalies). Everything looked fine. My amniotic fluid was a little low but this could be because my uterus is smaller than most. They checked it one more time- still low- and scheduled me for a Level 2 Ultrasound with a high-risk doctor. Nothing to be worried about the nurse said-it's just lower than they like to see. No, nothing you can do to increase the fluid. Just stay calm and see what the high risk doctor says. Sadly, we never made it that far.

My appointment with the high-risk doctor was scheduled for Friday October 3rd. My baby shower was supposed to be October 4th (early so we could have it outside). Sunday September 28th I started cramping a little bit before bed. Nothing really bad, actually it felt more like heartburn in a weird way. I went to work on Monday the 29th and made it through the day but didn't feel right. I still had heartburn and now I had strong cramps in my side. When I got home they were so bad I couldn't sit up. I called my doctor right away and he told me to go to the hospital to get checked out. As soon as we got there I knew something was wrong. They couldn't find his heartbeat. He's little-sometimes they can be hard to find the nurse suggested. I started crying- I just want to go home I said about a million times. I think I said about a hundred Hail Mary's. Please just let him be ok. They brought the doctor in to do an ultrasound- no heartbeat and very little fluid. They wheeled me into a private room. I broke down. What a cruel joke the universe is playing on me. What kind of God takes someone's unborn baby? They induced me Tuesday night and I delivered Thursday morning. 36 hours of labor and for what?

Here I am almost 2 weeks later. Trying to stay strong but how can I do that? There is baby stuff every where. I hate seeing it but I can't manage to move it. I find myself rubbing my belly and humming a few bars of a song- only to realize I'm singing to myself now. People are supportive and I know everyone means well but nothing helps. Sure, I can try to get pregnant again. Maybe I'll even be a mom one day soon. I read a stat that said something like 60-70% of women are pregnant within a year of losing a baby. I don't know how accurate that is. No matter what I can't help but feel that it will never be the same. How will I ever love someone the way I love Caleb? How will I ever have another baby without feeling like I am replacing my little boy? How will I ever make it through another 9 months without wondering everyday if this one is going to leave me too? I feel like my innocence is gone. How can I do this again? Will my body even let me do this again? How can I be hurting so much for someone I only knew for several short months? Why my baby? Why can't I hold him and love him the way I want? I just want to scream!!! Maybe I'm being selfish but I just want him back. I really don't know how I can move on.

I Had a Dream Last Night...

2009-05-30T12:39:00.003-04:00

Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep. ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman

I've never had a dream about Caleb. Other mother's often say that their departed children visit them in their sleep- but not mine. I wish he would though, just once. I would love to see him again even if it was for just a fleeting moment in the middle of the night.

I DID have a dream about another baby last night. The baby was mine but he wasn't Caleb. He was premature and Brandon and I were visiting him in the NICU. He was very sick but I knew he was going to be ok. I knew this baby was coming home with us. But we didn't know when...

I read the autopsy report again the other night searching for some clue as to why I don't have an almost 6 month old baby boy in my arms right now. I Googled every word and phrase again. Scouring the internet for a website to finally just come out and say what I feel inside "You killed your baby." I looked for hours but I never found that one.

This is what I did find:

Placental infarcts, thrombosis, oligohydramnios, stillbirth

You'll be happy to know that other than the placenta basically being a useless piece of dead, clotted tissue, my son was perfectly healthy. His internal organs were either "unremarkable" or "glistening" and "as expected for this gestational age". He was doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing but my crappy placenta failed him and no one can tell me why.

Did I eat the wrong things? I know my addiction to the soupy combination of a Wendy's Frosty and french fries mixed together with a dash of salt probably wasn't ideal baby-growing food, but I ate really good food too! Fruits and veggies everyday.

Why did my body fail me?? I'll admit I didn't always treated it with the highest regard before I was pregnant but to retaliate by letting my innocent son die while I was left clueless for days seems a bit harsh. And why won't my body work with me now? What was so different a year ago that can't be recreated now??

I think it's pretty clear that the baby in the NICU sums up my feelings about becoming a mother. I pray that it will happen just at parents of preemies pray their babies will come home healthy. But just like them, the ride getting to that point seems to be a never ending roller coaster of sadness, pain, guilt, but most importantly...HOPE.

Really Trying This Time...

2009-05-13T22:11:00.003-04:00

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to
purge.
~Paula Poundstone

I've always had a weight problem. Pounds come on and go off. When I was about 19 (and at my heaviest), I went on a strict diet and lost almost 80 pounds. I gained about 20 pounds back and over the past few years I've lost it and re-gained it again. Actually, the day I found out I was pregnant with Caleb I decided to go on a diet. I was on the bad side of that pesky 20 pounds. I found out I was pregnant later that day and of course decided it wasn't the best time to diet. During my pregnancy, I gained about 30 pounds (keep in mind I was only pregnant for about 6.5 months). Since losing him, I have packed on another 10 pounds or so. If you are any good at math you will know that I am creeping very near that "heaviest" weight class again.

The shocking thing to me is that after I lost Caleb my appetite didn't go anywhere. A few years ago, when Brandon and I were going through our issues, I couldn't bring myself to eat. I was so sad and miserable. I lost 20 pounds in about 2 weeks. I thought it would be the same way with Caleb. I was sad and miserable but I was still hungry!

So today I have made a commitment to myself. I KNOW being overweight causes complications during pregnancy not to mention the added challenge it provides when you are trying to get pregnant. I'm also sick of feeling so awful about the way I look. I see pictures of myself from a year and a half ago and it's like looking at a completely different person. So as of today, I am vowing to change the thing that seems to be a roadblock to my happiness in so many ways. My ultimate goal is to lose 72 pounds, but I will take 40. :)

Here goes nothing...

Signs...

2009-05-11T18:00:00.004-04:00

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives
fully is prepared to die at any time. ~Mark Twain

When I was very young, there was a time period of about 7 months when I experienced 3 very tough losses. I was 8 years old and these experiences were my first memorable encounters with death. In March my grandpa (Pops) passed away. In July, my Uncle Robin died and then in October, we had to put our dog Gretchen to sleep. It was during that year that I really started to understand what it meant to die. Not in the Biblical sense, but in the physical sense. I understood the permanence in a way that I don't think most third graders are able to.

Anyway, about 4-5 months after my Uncle Robin died I had a dream about him. It's a dream I can still remember vividly to this day. In the dream we were in a 2 story house- which is strange because at the time of his death he lived with us in a ranch style home. He was in the living room on the couch and I was sitting on the floor. He seemed very torn- like he shouldn't be there with me. I could tell he wanted to be downstairs, to explain to me what was going on, but that he knew he couldn't be there. He started walking up the stairs and I asked where he was going. He told me his dad was up there.

Of course at 8 years old I didn't really know what to make of this strange dream. I remember talking to a friend about it several years later and she said maybe he is telling you not to worry about him because he is in Heaven with his father. Did my uncle really come to me in a dream to tell me he was at peace?

Years later, a few months after we graduated high school, a former classmate of mine passed away. We weren't close friends but his death really upset me. Maybe it's because just a few months earlier at graduation he walked across that stage with all the potential in the world and now he was gone. I went to the funeral, tucked the obituary and the memorial card away in a high school scrapbook and went on with my life. The following June, I had the strangest dream about him. At the time of his death, his high school girlfriend was pregnant with their baby. In my dream, he was talking to me about his daughter. Again, I had the feeling that he was torn between where he was supposed to be and being in my dream. The next morning I woke up and went through my old scrapbook. I found the memorial card and realized that it was his birthday. I had a dream about him the night before his birthday! I didn't know it was that day and I don't think I ever even looked at his date of birth before that morning, but sure enough another very surreal dream about someone who has departed this life.

So what's my point in all of this? Do I just have an overactive imagination? Am I just overly sensitive? I'm not sure...but what these experiences further reinforce to me is that the loved ones we lose along the way aren't lost forever. We will join them again one day in a perfect place. I can't have a conversation with my uncle, or see my high school friend, or hold my baby in my arms...but I am given something much better than all of those things. I am given the promise that when I depart this life I will be united with all of them for eternity. There will be no torn feelings and no pain. Just peace and love in the glory that is the kingdom of heaven.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T10:26:00.000-04:00

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. ~Tenneva Jordan

I love this first quote because it reminds me of my Grandma (Nana), Patricia. She is the most patient and caring person I know. She has made so many sacrifices in her life just to better the existence of those around her. She is the one behind all of my successes in life and the one who comforts me in all my failures. Caleb's middle name, Patrick, is in honor of her and of all of the love she has given over the years. I wish her a very Happy Mother's Day!

She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along. ~Margaret Culkin Banning

This second quote reminds me that even though our children aren't physically beside us, we still carry them with us in our hearts. Caleb's memory is with me in all that I do. On my wedding day it was very important for me to have a physical reminder of him present. Nana bought me a beautiful opal necklace (Caleb's birthstone). I haven't taken the necklace off since that day and whenever I need a little comforting, I rub the stone and remember my beautiful son and his loving Great-Grandmother.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's out there. Whether your baby is with you on earth or is waiting for you in Heaven, YOU ARE A MOTHER and today is for you.

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T10:00:00.002-04:00

Happy Easter sweet Caleb. We are missing you so much today and our hearts ache because you aren't with us. We hope you have a wonderful Easter in heaven.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

Wishing He Was Here

2009-03-23T20:24:00.007-04:00

I haven't posted in a long time mostly because I was busy with wedding plans, school, and work.

The wedding went beautifully. Just as we hoped it would. I realize it wasn't the "perfect" wedding in the traditional sense, but it was the perfect wedding for us. We honored Caleb which was so important. And although some people (or one person) chose to cast a negative light on that and on our wedding day in general, overall it was the day I have always dreamed of.

Weddings are so much more than picking the right cake or choosing the perfect song for the first dance. Weddings are a celebration of love. Brandon and I have been through some very hard times in our years together. Those who have known us for the duration of our relationship know this. We continue to experience hard times every single day. I will never pretend that we are a perfect couple because we simply aren't. But in the grand scheme of things I don't think it's the perfect moments that you remember when you are 90 years old. I think you look back at the hard times and remember how you fought to overcome the adversities that were placed before you and how the struggle made you even closer. Our wedding didn't celebrate how perfect our love is or how right we are for each other--our wedding celebrated how committed we are to creating a lasting love and life together in good times and in bad.

It was a beautiful day and when I stop being lazy I will post a ton of pictures. But for now I leave you with these few....

The New Little Girl in Our Life

2009-01-10T21:27:00.007-05:00

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~Ben Williams

I'm a little late on posting these. This is our new little girl. We got her on December 13th. She is a little of 4 months old (17 weeks as of yesterday to be exact). She is the perfect addition to our family and brings us so much joy!

Lacy with Daddy

Lacy (left) and her sister Lily

The picture that made us fall in love with her

Little Lacy wearing her Christmas present- She LOVES clothes! What a little fashionista!

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T08:21:00.002-05:00

Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us. ~Hal Borland

January 1st, 2009...Wow! Six months ago when I thought ahead to this day I thought it was going to be so different. I pictured holding a brand new baby in my arms while people stopped by to pay a visit to the little one. Of course, we all know that's not what I'll be doing today. But I can't be disappointed. Caleb is in Heaven and is spending New Year's Day with someone who loves him even more that I can. And while I still wish he was here, 2008 has taught me, more than ever, that we can't plan our days. They are already planned for us. All we can do is be prepared for whatever comes our way, trust in the Lord, and keep an open heart and an open mind.

Christmas

2008-12-13T03:39:00.005-05:00

When things go wrong as they sometimes will, when the road you’re trudging seems uphill, when you’re feeling low and the stress is high, and you want to smile but you have to sigh, when worries are getting you down a bit… by all means pray-and don’t you quit. Success is failure turned inside out, God’s hidden gift in the clouds of doubt. You never can tell how close you are- It may be near when it seems so far. So trust in the Lord when you’re hardest hit… It’s when things go wrong that you must not quit!

-Author Unknown

We are getting ready for Christmas now! Only 13 more days. It's so hard to believe that it's really almost here. I remember when I found out I was pregnant. May 19th- I left work and rushed to the doctor's to cofirm what the home pregnancy test had already told me. As I sat there, amazed by the news, I remember the doctor telling me I was about 7 weeks along and would be due around January 7th. It seemed so far away. I was so excited and not really sure how I was going to focus on anything else for the next 7 months.

But here we are. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was sitting in the doctor's office. It feels like an eternity since I came home to tell Brandon the news. Even the 3D ultrasound we had in July and the 3 hour long conversation I had with Melissa afterwards seems like distant memories. Time has moved so fast yet so slow at the same time. We are the same people, yet so different. Spending time wondering about what could have been is a waste, logically I know this. But I still find myself doing it. Always at the most random times. I want to move forward but I want to stand still. Starting 2009 without Caleb is going to be heartbreaking, but I can't deal with the holidays one more minute longer than necessary.

We are prepared for the holidays though. We have most our shopping done. We decided to buy for as many people as we could this year. I find peace in Christmas shopping actually. It makes me feel normal. I think I might actually do some baking next weekend too! Someone please put the fire department on notice.

Thanks Jennie! I can't believe this is what November looks like in St. Thomas. I'm jealous.

Preparing for a Different Kind of Christmas

2008-12-01T20:18:00.005-05:00

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a
happy family all wrapped up in each other. ~Burton Hillis

My Little Caleb Angel

Caleb's Stocking

Our Tree

Poem

2008-11-19T18:24:00.005-05:00

I found this poem on another angel mommy's Myspace. I think it's the most beautiful one I've ever read.

I'll Be There

Daddy please don't look so sad,

Momma please don't cry

Cause I am in the arms of Jesus

and He sings me lullabies

Please, try not to question God,

don't think He is unkind.

Don't think He sent me to you,

and then He changed His mind.

You see, I am a Special child,

and I'm needed up above.

I'm the Special gift you gave Him,

the product of your love.

I'll always be there with you,

so watch the sky at night.

Find the brightest star that's gleaming,

That's my halo's brilliant light.

You'll see me in the morning frost,

that mists your window pane.

That's me, in the summer showers,

I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a little breeze,

from a gentle wind that blows.

That's me, I'll be there,

planting a kiss on your nose.

When you see a child playing,

and your heart feels a little tug,

That's me, I'll be there

Giving your heart a hug.

So daddy, please don't look so sad,

momma don't you cry.

I'm in the arms of Jesus,

and He sings me lullabies.

Author Unknown

MRI's and Wedding Plans

2008-11-14T14:00:00.006-05:00

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~Rita Rudner

I had the MRI on my pelvic area/ uterus this morning and I think I realized that I am claustrophobic. I've always suspected that I am but I really felt like I couldn't breath when I saw that machine. I did the best I could though. I just thought about Caleb and how much I want a baby and decided that if this is what it takes to make my dreams come true then I can do it. I can do anything for 30 minutes. We should get the results back from that soon and then we will go see a specialist who will be able to tell us if there is anything physically that is going to stop us from trying to get pregnant again. They will also tell us if genetically there are any issues. I keep praying that we will get a chance to be parents again by next Christmas. I hate putting a timeline on something like this but it's the only thing holding me together right now.

We went to Brandon's niece's-my future niece :)- 1st birthday party last Sunday. I thought it was going to be much harder than it actually ended up being. She is so adorable and at a really fun age right now. I think, or hope, I kept it together and that my sad moments didn't show too much. I did let some tears flow after we left but Brandon was there for me like always.

The Wedding....So what started off as a short ceremony and dinner is quickly evolving into a little bit more that I think we expected. We are still having a very casual wedding and only inviting close friends and family but we decided insted of doing dinner in a banquet room at a restaurant we are going to rent a private reception hall. We found a very nice and inexpensive one in Pickerington and, after going back and forth a bit with the owner, we have signed the contract and put a security deposit down. It is so beautiful and very intimate- which is what we are going for and what a restaurant lacks.

Everything is included- tables, chairs, etc.- so all we have to do is set up food and drinks. Oh- and I have to find something to wear! Which also means I need to start eating better than I have been. I'm sure going back to work will help the weight loss process. I'm open to suggestions on wedding attire by the way. Email me if you see any cute dresses. I don't want a big, formal dress. And I have this whole thing about my arms showing. Who knows what I want. I'll find something I guess. If not, it's going to be a jeans and t-shirt kinda day. Maybe something like this... :)~

Medical Update

2008-11-07T20:17:00.004-05:00

If one truly has lost hope, one would not be on hand to say so. ~Eric Bentley

We received a call today from my OB/GYN's nurse. She said the doctor reviewed the genetic results and unfortunately, the tissue sample failed to grow and they were unable to run tests on it. So basically, we don't know if it was a genetic issue that caused us to lose Caleb. The final autopsy report is supposed to be out in the next couple of weeks and if that doesn't show the cause of death then we will probably never know.

I am going for an MRI next week so we can get a clear diagnosis on my uterine abnormality. Once the results are back from that and the final autopsy report is in, we will be sent to a Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist for additional bloodwork and review. They may be able to look for indicators in our blood to see if there are any genetic conditions that future children may be prone to. I'm guessing we will have to wait until after the wedding, when we are both on the same insurance, for this to happen.

So, for now, we are just going to wait for the results of the MRI and autopsy and see what we find out. Eventually we will try again. I just hope that it's in God's plan to make us parents one day. As much we are trying to be at peace with the loss of little Caleb, it is still very difficult to walk by that empty room everyday. I can't wait until our home is filled with all of the sights and sounds of a baby.

The Countdown is On

2008-11-06T01:41:00.006-05:00

"Faith give us the courage to face the uncertainties of the future"

-Martin Luther King Jr.

I've never considered myself the blogging type. My life, in general, is pretty boring and basic. I don't have much to talk about and what I do have to say is probably not of much interest to many people. All of that being said, I've decided to keep this blog for other reasons. First, I want a place where Brandon and I can remember Caleb. A place where we can share stories, songs, and poems that remind us of him and help us deal with our loss. As hard as this time is right now, I personally want to remember it. I want to look back and remember how I felt on a given day and see how I'm (hopefully) progressing in my grief. Second, a lot of things are changing in our lives. Even though Brandon and I have been together for what seems like forever, we are making a big transition from boyfriend and girlfriend to husband and wife. We also plan of trying to have a brother or sister for Caleb one day and want to record the memories of our life together, our journeys and our struggles. Our family in bloom.

I could go back to the old-school style of recording thoughts and memories- keeping a journal. But frankly, I have boxes of journals starting with my first one when I was around 10 years old and I'm just out of space. I practically live online these days so it just makes more sense for me to keep these records in a place that is permanent and also doesn't take up any more space in our home. I also want something we can share with others. With family and friends all over the country, I think this is a great way for anyone who is interested to see what's going on in our lives. So sit back and enjoy. Stop by as often as you like. I'm new to this so I don't know what this page will eventually look like or how often I will post but I am excited about this new way to communicate with everyone we care about. Maybe I can even talk Brandon into posting something once in a while.

*Note: Diamond not shown at actual size (a girl can only dream!)

So the truly exciting news for the day- the countdown is on! 113 days until Brandon and I are officially Mr. and Mrs. Ballou. We are both really excited, probably me more than him right now. I think he'll get there around 2 weeks before the big day. So I'm still making plans and trying to figure out exactly how we want things to be. That usually goes like this:

Summer: "Hey Brandon, what do you think of *INSERT RANDOM WEDDING IDEA*?"
Brandon: "Yea that sounds nice. Whatever you think."

It is going to be a very small, informal affair but there are a few things that I really want to include and I think Brandon does too. For example, we really want to include Caleb. Right now, I'm searching for a memorial candle that we can personalize with his name and maybe a little message. I think we would like to include that in the ceremony. No luck so far. All the ones I have found remind me of old women's drapes. All floraly (is that a word) and kind of sad looking. So on the search goes.

Memorial/ Balloon Release for Caleb- 10/26/08

2008-11-06T01:00:00.000-05:00

The poem and letter I read at the memorial:

The world may never notice if a snowdrop doesn't bloom.
Or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon
But every life that ever forms
Or ever comes to be
Touches the world in some small way for all eternity
The little one we long for was swiftly here and gone
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on
And though our arms are empty
Our hearts know what to do
Every beating of our hearts says we love you

Dear sweet Caleb, I sit here writing this as I look at what remains of you. I remember vividly the day I found out I was blessed enough to be your mommy. I was so scared because I worried about being able to provide for you the way that you deserved. I didn’t know if I was ready but I knew in my heart that you were meant to be. You were a blessing, a miracle actually. Daddy and I had a rough time before you came along. It’s hard to understand but sometimes even two people who love each other so much struggle to live happily ever after. You changed all of the struggles though. You quickly became the center of our universe. Nothing else could do it, but somehow a little stranger who we never even met made us grow up so quickly. You were not only a miracle but a blessing. A gift, the perfect gift. You were all that mattered to us. Everything else seemed so petty in comparison to the life we envisioned with you.

I will always treasure the memories we made together. Do you remember the first ultrasound? I do. Daddy and I loved seeing your little heart beat so strong. And the second ultrasound, we found out God had blessed us with a little boy. Your Daddy almost cried. He loves you so much you know? He had so many plans for you- sports, video games, and of course picking on mommy together. I miss singing to you every day. I’m sure it was awful to hear first thing in the morning, but I felt so connected to you when I did that. Sometimes I still rub my belly and start to sing but then remember you’re gone. Who would have thought you would leave us before we even got a chance to say hello?

You aren’t just special to us, Caleb. So many other people love you and miss you too. Everyone was looking forward to meeting you and having you in our family. Just ask your Grandpa Ballou who still thinks you should be Phillip II. Or your Great-Uncle Danny who looked forward to the days of Hawaiian shirts and sweat pants. Or all of your Grandma’s who couldn’t seem to stop buying you outfits. A wardrobe anyone would be envious of. Sometimes, when I’m alone, I look through your things. They are yours, Caleb but maybe you’ll be kind enough to share with a little brother or sister in the future?

I hope you are able to look down from the clouds and see Daddy and me today. I wish I could look up and see your face just once. Daddy and I are closer than ever because of you. We are filled with a lot of sadness because you’re not here, but we are thankful for the time we did have together. We’re getting married soon. I’m going to be a Ballou just like you. Maybe that will make it easier for me to find you in Heaven. Not that I’d have any trouble. You looked just like your Daddy.
Caleb, why did you have to leave? I love you so much and just wish you could have stayed. Maybe I wouldn’t have been the best mommy in the world but I promise I would have loved you more than anything. Actually, I still do. I’m holding your ashes now and I’m not sure how I’m going to make it. You were supposed to be here soon. I know you’re at peace and I know you’re in a place that is so much better than anything here. You will never feel pain or hurt or heartache. Only pure happiness. I guess I don’t really grieve for you Caleb. I guess my pain is selfish. I read a quote recently that said

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

You were definitely our delight Caleb. Every waking moment was spent thinking of you and I think that will be the case for a long time to come. You have eternal peace now, my sweet baby boy. But I will never have peace. There will always be a hole in my heart until I can hold you in my arms again. I will always feel incomplete- on the day me and your Daddy get married, when (God willing) we have a sibling for you, when I’m old and gray and look back at my life. There will always be a missing link Caleb. I know I don’t understand it now, but there is a plan, I’m sure of it. You were sent here for a reason and you were taken away for a reason. Maybe God just needed another angel for the streets of heaven.

So until we meet again please remember how much we love you. Ask God to tell you about me and Daddy. I’m sure he has some great stories. And please know that you are the most precious thing to ever happen to me. I love you. –Mommy

P.S.- Just one more time please “Little Caleb Ballou, I can’t wait to see you, I just want to scoop you up, and kiss you on your head.”