Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

You'll have to excuse me, but you don't yet have a name. Or a sex for that matter. I just wanted to write and tell you how much I love you already. No, you aren't technically conceived. A little part of me isn't sure you ever will be. It doesn't matter though. I need to tell you how much love I have for you already.

I dream of the day that I will hold you and rock you to sleep. I will sing you (off-key) lullabies and even when I wish you would sleep through the night, I will cherish the 3 a.m. feedings.

I imagine taking you to the cemetery every October 2nd so we can send balloons to your big brother in heaven. You are still with him right now, but when the time is right I hope you will join me down here. We will go to the pumpkin patch and drink apple cider slushies and pick out the perfect family of pumpkins. One for each of us- daddy, mommy, Caleb, you, and the puppies. This year there are only 5, but maybe next year it will be 6?

And Christmas-time with you will be amazing. I can't wait to experience things through your eyes and create traditions the way my Nana and Uncle did with me. I tell your daddy otherwise, but the truth is I know I will spoil you. I'm sure I will go overboard with the gifts. But know that my love doesn't come in the form of toys. My love for you comes from the bottom of my heart. It's here now...even though you aren't. You are loved and wanted so much. That will never change.

You're probably wondering why I am writing this letter to you so far in advance. Maybe it's a little crazy, but then again your mommy is a little weird. The fact is that I never, ever want you to doubt how much you were wanted. I spent a lot of time when I was younger wondering why my parents didn't want me. I never want you to feel that way. I pray for you every single night. I want you more than money or success or any other worldly thing. Everything I do in my life is so that things can be perfect when you finally get here. Not that I'm promising perfection. I will screw up. I will make mistakes, I will lose my patience and I will burn dinner sometimes. I'm not really good at sports or video games or doing make-up. I probably won't be the cool mom and you may go through some years when you think I am the enemy. I will still love you and will still want you in my life just as much then as I do now.

So, when you do finally join your dad and I and you are old enough to read this, I hope you will see how precious you are to me. Life is hard. You will get hurt and there will be plenty of things that happen that make you question who you are and what you are doing in this world. I can't prevent that. One thing I never want you to question, though, is how I feel about you.

Love,

Your Mom

Updates

It has been SO long since I've posted here. Life has been crazy and hectic and everything that life is. Anyway, here are some updates on the more "important" happenings from the past few months.

SURGERY

I had my first surgery on July 1st. My vaginal septum was completely resected. My doctor was only able to get a small part of the uterine septum removed, so a second surgery had to be scheduled. I was pretty disappointed when I found out I would need another surgery. First of all, I was looking forward to being able to start trying to conceive right away. The worst part of needing a second surgery, however, is the hormone medications I have to be on leading up to and following the procedure. At any rate I went back for my second surgery on August 18th. Due to some equipment malfunctions, the surgery ended early and my doctor wasn't able to get the rest of the septum. So right now I'm waiting to schedule my third (and hopefully final) surgery. As with everything related to infertility, these surgeries have put me on an emotional rollercoaster for the past 4 months. I will be elated when they are done, but a part of me is scared that even after all of this I still won't be able to get pregnant again. But I'm trying to adopt the glass-half-full mentality and try to envision myself pregnant in front of the Christmas tree this year. We'll see...

NANA

This Monday (the 19th) marks one year since my Nana passed away. I definitely wasn't prepared for the wave of grief that has overtaken me the past week. Holidays are hard without her and her birthday was rough, but this milestone seems to be the worst so far. Something about the one-year mark makes things seem so final. Before she died, I used to imagine what I would feel like having to live my life without her. It seemed like the impossible, but then one day I woke up and she was gone. At first I was busy with the things you HAVE to do when someone dies...pick out clothes, plan the funeral, go through her things...that my mind didn't really process her not being around. After all of those things were done, I focused on getting back to life. I didn't want to sit around and sulk because for one, she would have kicked my butt for doing that and for two, that's not really my M.O. I don't like people feeling sorry for me and I hate sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I get that from her. So now, I'm sitting here at this one-year anniversary and I realize how long it's really been since we last spoke or since she told me she loved me or since we laughed together. I realize that it's been more than a year since her and I last went shopping or had lunch or did laundry together. I realize that living without her hasn't been impossible. The world *didn't* stop, even though, before she got sick I was so sure it would. I have a year full of memories that don't include her and I guess that's what hurts the most. This has just been one out of who knows how many years that I will live without her. It's hard and it's sad, but at the same time I am SO thankful for my time with her, because even though she isn't here physically any more I can still hear her and feel her within me every single day. 

CALEB

September 29th marks 3 years since we found out Caleb was going to be stillborn. Yes, September has been a crappy month the past few years! Anyway, we celebrate his birthday on October 2nd by making a donation to Touching Little Lives. It's a local non-profit that makes clothing and keepsakes for babies born premature or stillborn. If you are interested in donating yarn, fabric or any other baby clothes making supplies, please contact me. We will be dropping everything off on October 2nd. 

Lots of Love...Me

Surgery...?

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.~James H. Boren

First of all I'd like to start out by wishing everyone a happy belated Mother's Day. I had a very low-key day, which was nice. As a Babylost Mother, the day usually causes a lot of anxiety. I was especially anxious this year as it marked the first Mother's Day since my Nana has passed. But it turned out to be a good day and I was able to keep the emotional outbursts at bay with a lot of prayer and surrounding myself with friends and family.

Late last summer, Brandon and I met with a new fertility doctor. We both really liked him and felt excited about some of the options he discussed. For a myriad of reasons, we didn't meet with him again. I guess the best way it can be summed up is that, well, life happens.

Anyway, fast forward to April 23rd of this year. Brandon had been over helping his step-dad with a project and called me on the way home. The news he shared caught me off guard and almost caused me to spill my O.P.I. (At home pedicures...don't judge...we're in a recession!). Brandon's mom and step-dad had generously offered us a financial gift to assist us with future fertility treatments! Yup...I was speechless, too. I've always considered myself VERY lucky on the in-law front. While friends complain about over-bearing mother-in-laws, I just sit back, smile and thank God for the amazing second family He has brought into my life.

The unexpected gift was just what we needed to push ourselves back into the roller coaster ride that is all things infertility. I scheduled an appointment right away. The doctor we met with at the new practice last summer wasn't available, so we decided to meet with another doctor at the practice. Guess what?!? Her first name is Summer! How awesome/random/cool is that? She asked me to have some blood work done prior to our consultation. Something our previous RE never insisted on.

We had our consultation on May 2nd. Dr. Summer said my labs were all normal. She brought up a new possibility for my funky uterus. Originally diagnosed a bicornuate uterus when I was 19, the "doctors" decided it was actually a didelphic uterus with a partial vaginal septum and two cervices when I delivered Caleb. Dr. Summer brought up a third option, one that made a lot more sense and explained a lot more of our issues. She theorized that I may have a uterine septum with a partial vaginal septum and two cervices. Uterine septum's can cause many problems including recurrent miscarriages and intrauterine growth restriction (something Caleb suffered from). As the doctor explained, the placenta can only grow so much before eventually being suffocated (for a lack of a better work) by the septum. Additionally, the septum is not a hospitable environment for embryos to attach. Meaning that even when conception occurs (which it could be doing for us), if the embryo implants on the muscular tissue of the septum a miscarriage will almost always ensue. Often times before I would even know I was pregnant.

The question we have always struggled with is "why the infertility?" Neither bicornuate nor a didelphic uterus's cause infertility. My cycles are normal and there doesn't appear to be any other problems that would cause us to be infertile. Dr. Summer's theory of a uterine septum certainly answered this question and also explained why I was able to conceive before.

But since theories are a dime a dozen, Dr. Summer did a sonohystogram in her office and was able to confirm the uterine septum. She wants me to have it removed as soon as possible and then she wants Brandon and I to try to conceive naturally for a while. The surgery seems easy enough- laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. She did warn us that she may not be able to remove the entire septum with one surgery, though. She said she wanted to do a little more research and see us back in a few weeks to finalize everything. If things go right, hopefully I will have the surgery in the next month or so and ideally we can start trying soon after that. We meet with Dr. Summer again this Friday.

Please pray for us and positive news at this appointment.

Marching for Caleb

Gratitude is the memory of the heart. ~Jean Baptiste Massieu

The Central Ohio March for Babies was held this past weekend. Thanks to so many amazing people, we had 23 walkers sign-up for Caleb's team and raised $1,295.00! I can't even begin to tell you how humbled I am by that. People who never knew about Caleb until this year's walk reached took time out of their day and/or money from their pockets to honor him. All I can say is "Praise God!"

The rain held off for the most part and we were able to enjoy the 5 mile walk without getting too soggy. My personal goal was to 1) finish the walk and 2) not be the last person to cross the finish line! We ended up finishing in about 90 minutes, which means we walked an average 18 minute mile. We won't be in the Boston Marathon anytime soon, but we did manage to stay somewhere in the middle of the pack.

Brandon & I wore our For the Love of Caleb shirts. Personalized with his birthday on the back.

Both of Caleb's grandma's made it for the walk and all of Caleb's aunts. We took this picture in front of Caleb's star in the Field of Hope. Purple stars honor living babies and silver stars remember those who have passed.

Thank you to everyone who came out, everyone who donated, everyone who bought a team shirt and to everyone who prayed for us. Your love and support is amazing.

A to Z

I stole this off of Bev's blog. Seemed like something fun to do while I wait on my corned beef and cabbage to finish cooking!


A. Age: twenty-five

B. Bed size: queen

C. Chore you dislike: all of them?

D. Dogs: a jack russell/yorkie mix named Lacy and a chihuahua/shih tzu mix named Brody

E. Essential start to your day: i feel gross unless i've had a shower

F. Favorite color: it changes as often as i change my underwear

G. Gold or silver: silver

H. Height: 5' 5"

I. Instruments you play(ed): i played the recorder in 4th grade and i tried to learn how to play the piano. i'm not so musically inclined.

J. Job title: legal secretary

K. Kids: my precious caleb. who i will see in heaven one day

L. Live: da 'burg or technically, i guess, c-bus

M. Mom’s name: vanya

N. Nicknames: does summer count as a nickname? my best friend calls me dill. brandon calls me summey. people from my old job call me nettie. i call myself supa-fly.

O. Overnight hospital stays: the only hospital stay i've ever had is when caleb was born still.

P. Pet peeves: liars, thieves, bullies, pants with words on the butt, people who don't know me but insist on calling me "hun", "sweetie" or "darling", and when brandon leaves the kitchen cabinet doors open after he gets something out of one.

Q. Quote from a movie: "i'm gonna paint my door red and change my name to elizabeth arden."

S. Siblings: three younger sisters and one younger brother.

T. Time you wake up: the first time? 4:30 a.m.

U. Underwear: yes. clean ones at that.

V. Vegetables you don’t like: i can't think of one. i think i like all veggies.

W. What makes you run late: my husband. :-o

X. X-rays you’ve had: a lot...and even more if you count ct scans, mri's and ultrasounds

Y. Yummy food you make: guacamole

Z. Zoo animal favorites: flamingos

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone! Erin Go Bragh!

For the Love of Caleb Personalized Team T-Shirts & March for Babies Update

First of all, I want to thank everyone who has donated to team For the Love of Caleb. We have passed our goal and have raised over $1,100 for March of Dimes! If you haven't donated yet, but were considering it please don't let the fact that we have reached our goal stop you! Every dollar donated is a dollar that WILL help save babies and spare families from the heartache that Brandon and I lived through. $1,000 was our goal, but we would LOVE to raise much more in honor of our precious baby boy. If you can't donate please consider walking with us on May 1st. To donate or register to walk with our team please visit our family team's website at www.marchforbabies.org/team/fortheloveofcaleb


Brandon and I have finished designing the team t-shirts for our family team, For the Love of Caleb. If you are interested in purchasing one please email me (adavenport85 at aol dot com). The prices range from $10-$15 depending on the color and size. There are also children's sizes available. :-)

Lot's of Love!

Summer

Baptism

Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. - John 3:5

On January 9, 2011, I was baptised for the first time. It was an amazing experience and I was so grateful for the opportunity to share my testimony with all those present that day. I had amazing support from family and friends who came to share this special day with me. Some of them are believers and some are not. It was so amazing to be able to share with them what God has done in my life. I have been beyond blessed in my life to have the chance to know Christ and to understand what He has done and continues to do for each of us.

Mark 4:1-20 The Parable of the Sower

1 Again Jesus began to teach by the lake. The crowd that gathered around him was so large that he got into a boat and sat in it out on the lake, while all the people were along the shore at the water’s edge. 2 He taught them many things by parables, and in his teaching said: 3 “Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.” 9 Then Jesus said, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.” 10 When he was alone, the Twelve and the others around him asked him about the parables. 11 He told them, “The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you. But to those on the outside everything is said in parables 12 so that, “‘they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding; otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!’[a]” 13 Then Jesus said to them, “Don’t you understand this parable? How then will you understand any parable? 14 The farmer sows the word. 15 Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. 16 Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. 17 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 18 Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; 19 but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. 20 Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”

My Testimony

At various times in my life I have been in the positions Jesus describes in the Parable of the Sower. I have been cynical and openly allowed Satan to take the word away from my heart. I have received the word and delighted in it, but since my life was not rooted in Christ I quickly fell away. Later on, my habit was to seek out God during the challenging times of life…the deep depression that haunted me during my teenage years, relationship problems, the loss of my son and my subsequent struggle with infertility. God was there, providing me with comfort, but I never really knew what it meant to live in the word of Christ. I wondered how I could be a believer, but still feel like a piece of me was missing. The answer was that I had not fully committed myself to Christ.

I have known about Jesus since I was a little girl. My best friend’s grandmother, Mary Love, would take me to church on Sunday mornings and to youth group every Tuesday night. I remember reading John 3:16 at Ms. Mary’s house, and, though I didn’t understand the meaning, the words provided me with a source of comfort.

Eventually, I stopped going to church with Ms. Mary and I became a typical teenager with a cynical mind and a smart mouth. I battled with severe depression and questioned the existence of God. I tried worldly methods to cope with my problems, but nothing worked. I was desperate and broken. Finally, I decided something had to change and on my 19th birthday I prayed that the Lord would come into my heart. I’m not sure why I turned to God, maybe it was divine intervention or maybe it was the words I had heard so many years before about God’s love for this world. Personally, I believe it was the seed Ms. Mary planted years before that was beginning to grow.

Asking the Lord into my heart wasn’t the end. In fact, it was just the beginning for me. Since then I have been tempted and have succumbed to worldly desires. I have struggled with questions about my salvation and my beliefs. I have found myself ignoring God when things are good, but turning to Him again when I trip and stumble. When I lost my baby in October 2008 I realized my desire to work on my personal relationship with Christ. I sought out strong Christians, like my former co-worker and now dear friend Joy. She helped nourish the seed of Christ that was planted in my heart, always encouraging me to seek Him and His word when I struggled with doubts, worries or fears.

In early 2010, I made the decision to join a church and surround myself with people who would encourage my Christian growth. Little did I know how desperately I would need that support as I faced the struggles before me in the coming months. But I guess that is one of the most glorious things about God…we don’t know, but He always does and if we listen and believe faithfully He will always show us the way. His grace is amazing.

I have been blessed throughout my life in that God has continued to place people in my path who have joyfully and lovingly shared the good news with me time and time again. Because of that, I stand before you today committing myself to Christ and celebrating the mercy and grace He has shown me during good times and bad. I celebrate the beautiful relationship I now have with Him and the void in my heart that has been filled by His love.

Thank you so much to my brothers and sisters in Christ at New Life Community Church, Pastor Toole and his wife, Aimee.

March for Babies Giveaway

Our March for Babies team, For the Love of Caleb, is almost halfway to our goal! Thank you to everyone who has donated and signed up to walk with us.

Beginning today through 8 p.m. EST Friday night, for every $10.00 you donate your name will be entered into a drawing for a $50.00 Macy's giftcard. If you sign-up to walk AND donate $10.00 your name will be entered twice. I will e-mail the winner on Saturday morning.

To make a donation please visit our team page at www.marchforbabies.org/team/fortheloveofcaleb

Thank you again for your support!

March for Babies 2011

This year Brandon and I created a family team in memory of Caleb. Team For the Love of Caleb will be walking in the Central Ohio March of Babies Walk on May 1st, 2011. If you are local I would love to see you on walk day. You can click the link above to join our team or visit our team page at http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1516664.

If you can't make it to the walk, I ask that you please consider making a donation to sponsor our team. For more information on the March of Dimes please visit http://www.marchofdimes.com/.

I posted this last year, but for those who missed it, here is a little bit about my experience with the MoD:

A life without cause is a life without effect. ~Barbarella

Each year the law firm I work for holds a March of Dimes campaign to coincide with the national March of Dimes March for Babies campaign. Last year's campaign was hard for me. It was 5 months after we lost Caleb and I was still in a very dark place. I didn't want to support the campaign. I had visited the MoD webstite everyday during my pregnancy, I did everything I was supposed to, but yet my baby was still gone.

Looking back I can see how twisted my mindset was last March. MoD was there for me during my pregnancy, when Caleb's oligohydramnios was diagnosed, and after Caleb was gone. They did provide me with support...even if it wasn't the support I wanted. I knew I had to speak up this year. I lost my baby and that hurts so bad, but I don't want anyone else to experience that pain.

This year, the partner in charge of the campaign for our firm asked me if I would be willing to share my experience with MoD in order to drum up support.. I jumped at the opportunity. I went into my pregnancy thinking the worst thing that could happen was hemorrhoids. Birth defects, placental problems, and stillbirth were the furthest things from my mind. If even just one expecting mom chooses to educate herself a little bit more regarding her child's health, even if it's just out of the fear of ending up like me, then my Caleb's life was not in vain. So I will now share with you my MoD story...

When I found out I was pregnant, I’d like to think I had the normal reaction…fear! I was worried about everything from learning how to change diapers to paying for college. They say men become fathers when they hold their baby in their arms for the first time, but women become mothers the minute they learn they are pregnant. I couldn’t agree more with this observation. From the second I knew I had a tiny life growing inside of me, my maternal instinct kicked in along with all the worries that come with it.

That’s why I first visited the March of Dimes website. A parenting magazine I read told me they had a great section on keeping healthy during your pregnancy. I checked that site probably 20 times a day. I used it to find information on proper nutrition, pregnancy symptoms, and to look up all those big words that doctors like to use.

The website became an even more useful research tool during my sixth month of pregnancy when the doctors told me that my son, Caleb, was suffering from oligohydramnios, a lack of amniotic fluid. This can be a sign of birth defects in some babies. The doctors told me there wasn’t much I could do. They would continue to monitor Caleb and send me for some additional tests and screenings. I remember feeling so helpless. As a parent, you feel a responsibility to always care for your children in the best way you can, but here I was stuck, unable to do anything.

Immediately, I went to the MoD website to investigate. They had an entire section dedicated to pregnancy complications and a ton of useful information about oligohydramnios. It was such a sense of empowerment. I understood the condition more thoroughly and felt that I could have educated conversations with my doctors and other care providers.

Sadly, the diagnosis came too late for me. My little Caleb died in utero at 26 weeks gestation. His beautiful body was born into this world on October 2, 2008. Losing my baby is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever gone through. The pain, anger, and sadness are overwhelming. I remember the first few days at home after I left the hospital were devastating. I felt so alone and so lost. But yet again, MoD came to my rescue. Through their website, I was able to find a great deal of resources and information on dealing with a stillbirth. They connected me with several support groups filled with mothers feeling the same way I did. MoD even helped me after we received Caleb’s autopsy report. The cause of his oligohydramnios was due to a placental defect. MoD’s website gave me information on this and treatment options for future pregnancies.

Through my journey of healing, I have met with so many families that the March of Dimes organization has helped. From their work with premature babies to their research into birth defects, MoD is saving lives every day. I share my story not for sympathy, but because I want every expecting mother to be educated and empowered with the knowledge to understand their unborn child’s health. It’s easy to assume that all pregnancies end with healthy babies, but the fact is right now they don’t. There is hope, however. The research, education, and outreach that the March of Dimes provides are essential to changing that disturbing fact. There was nothing that could be done to save my baby, but I know that because of the March of Dimes, each day parents are spared from the pain that my family had to go through. And for that, I am so very thankful.

Thanks

When I reflect upon years gone by I try to sum them up by using one word. 2008 was all about Caleb. 2009 was about marriage. 2010 has been a year full of, well, surprises. Some were good and some were so awful I'm still trying to accept them as reality. Given everything, I would say the word for 2010 is "thankful".

At the beginning of a new year everyone is ready to bid adieu to the days gone by. We ring in the event with fireworks, parties, a glass ball that may or may not contain Snooki (Google it). Everyone is looking for a chance to be hopeful again. We make resolutions for better behavior, health, or financial management for the days ahead. We kiss the one we love at midnight and celebrate the fresh start. All of these things are done with the desire to make our life the way we want it to be. The way we see it in our dreams. "When I have a fat bank account then I will finally be happy." "When I can wear a size 4 life will be perfect."

There's nothing wrong with desiring different circumstances in our own lives. Motivation is key to success. But in our quest for the "perfect life" are we remembering to be thankful for the status quo? Do you (and when I say you I really me "I") wake up every morning and thank God for your house even though there's a pile of dishes in the sink and the bathroom really needs painted? Do you (I) rejoice in the relationship you have with your spouse/children/parents/siblings/friends even if they are getting on your nerves or stole the covers AND the good pillow last night? Are you (I) thankful when, at the end of payday, there's no money in your bank account but you still have a roof over your head, food on the table and people to share it with? If you want to know true happiness try being thankful for what you already have. The key to happiness is gratitude.

My grandmother lived this theory out each day of her life. Sure she read books and fantasied about traveling to different countries and experiencing new things, but she was grateful for just the opportunity to be surrounded by family and friends. She cherished family dinners and took the time to make them special. I find myself on a daily basis dreading the idea of having to make dinner. The forethought, the preparation, the cooking, the cleaning...it's too much. My grandma "got it", though. She would make meal times special...setting the table, using fancy plates and glasses, requiring that the television be turned off and conversation ensue. I think she did these things because she remembered what it was like to be poor and not to have food to feed your family. She spent many years as a single mom trying to feed more mouths than she knew what to do with, without the help of any man or the government. Thus she turned mealtimes into celebrations. She set the table EACH day in a way most people reserve for holidays. And she was thankful to do it each and every time.

In 2010 I learned the art of true gratitude, in 2011 I plan to refine it. I will do this by practicing it everyday. Instead of being annoyed that the bus is late I'm going to be thankful that I have a job to go to each day. Instead of getting depressed when a pair of jeans don't fit just right I'm going to be thankful for the person I am on the inside, thankful for my health, and thankful for each day that I can work to make myself even healthier. Even though I do miss Caleb and my Nana so much, I'm going to rejoice that I had them in my life and know that I will see them both again one day. And instead of crying each month when I realize that I'm still not any closer to being a mommy, I'm going to thank God that there are other paths to parenthood and in the meantime I have a beautiful niece and an adorable nephew to dote on.

2010 has been a challenging year, but I'm so thankful for every moment of it.

Happy New Year!

Patricia "Nana" Bryan

BRYAN Patricia Ann (Betts) Bryan, 74, passed from this life September 19, 2010 at Mount Carmel East Hospital with her family by her side. Born April 20, 1936 in Columbus, Ohio to the late Harry and Alice Betts, she was preceded in death by her parents, son Robin Sisk, and great-grandson Caleb Ballou. A stunning woman inside and out, Patricia was known for her piercing blue eyes, long legs and even longer hair, which earned her the nickname "Cher". She was an avid animal lover, who spent many years working with the Columbus Zoo and the Franklin County Mounted Unit. She had an adventurous spirit, demonstrated by her claim to fame as the first woman skydiver in the state. Pat had a true zest for life that is so rare to find. Deputy Bryan retired from the Franklin County Sheriff's Department in 1997 and was very proud of her time spent working in the jail. She loved to travel, especially when those travels took her near the beach, and she vowed one day to be a beach bum on Siesta Key. Quietly brilliant, she was a passionate reader who could have beat Alex Trebeck at Jeopardy and took a great deal of pride in beating her family in a game of Trivial Pursuit or canasta. She was hands down the world's greatest cook and could make cube steak taste like filet mignon. Pat was a music lover, with a special adoration for Italian operas and mariachi music. A truly remarkable woman, she found joy in the simple things and had an honest "don't sweat the small stuff" attitude. More than anything, she loved being surrounded by her "big, loud, obnoxious family" and it will be through each of them that her strong and loving spirit lives on. She had moxie, baby. She is survived by her sister, Jacqueline (Robert) Kowalski of Des Moines, IA; brother, William (Micki) Betts of Syracuse, NY; sons, Daniel Sisk of Reynoldsburg, Michael (Bonnie Ramsey) Sisk of Pataskala, Joseph Bryan of Buckeye Lake, William Bryan of Reynoldsburg, and John Sisk of Orange County, CA; daughters, Deborah Sisk-Buffalo of Harper, KS, Vanya Bryan of Reynoldsburg, and Laurie (Jeff) Gang of Jamesburg, NJ. She is also survived by her grandchildren, Roxanne (Fred) Finke of Wichita, KS, Lisa Williams of Wichita, KS, Jennifer Sisk of Columbus and Rachael Sisk of Houston, TX, Dillan Bryan of Columbus and Morrgan Bryan of Buckeye Lake, Summer (Brandon) Ballou of Reynoldsburg, Alysia and Asia Barham, both of Reynoldsburg, Wednesday Bryan of Reynoldsburg, and Kylie and Tyler Gang of Jamesburg, NJ; seven great-grandchildren; numerous nieces, nephews, friends, and beloved dogs, Mutley, Chyna, Rusty and Coco. Family will receive friends Wednesday 5-8 p.m. at COTNER FUNERAL HOME, 7369 E. Main St., Reynoldsburg, where the funeral will be held at 10 a.m. Thursday. Burial will follow at Holy Cross Cemetery. Messages may be sent to family at www.cotnerfuneralhome.com

 
As I have mentioned before, my grandma a.k.a. Nana is like my mother. She was there when I was born, she named me, raised me, and got to deal with all the joys and pains (mostly pains) of doing so. She was more than just a grandmother or mother to me, though. She was my best friend. We were sidekicks. I know when most people think "grandma" the thought of a feeble, elderly woman who knits and has that obligatory "old people" smell. Nothing could be further from the truth. Nana was adventurous until the day she died. She didn't knit and she smelled like fancy perfumes or cheap shampoo.
 
Growing up with Nana made me different than most kids. She exposed me to things and people that I may never have seen. She worked in the county jail and used to take me there for visits and "Take Your Daughter to Work Day". While she didn't condone criminal behavior, she didn't look down on the inmates. She knew people were imperfect and they made mistakes. It was from her that I learned to be empathetic.
 
Before me, Nana had 8 children and was married twice. Between her marriages and after my grandfather was killed, she was a single mother. My aunts and uncles caused my grandma a lot of grief, but she never stopped loving them. Or me when it was my turn around. You don't give up on family. That was always her message. They're crazy and they get on your nerves and some days you REALLY don't like them, but we stick together and we love each other.
 
She was so strong and out of all of her qualities, this is the one I admire most. As a girl who tends to wear her heart on her sleeve, my grandma with her cool and calm demeanor, was always an inspiration to me. I remember the day we found out my uncle died. Everyone was at our house crying and in shock. When I went to find my grandma, she was doing laundry. Twenty minutes after hearing her son had taken his own life, she was cleaning house and keeping everyone else calm. I can count on one hand the times I had seen her cry. She was amazing like that.
 
She passed away so quickly. They diagnosed the cancer on a Thursday and by Sunday she was gone. I had so much left to say to her and so much I still wanted to do.
 
Growing up I would have anxiety attacks about what it would be like when my grandma died. My chest would tighten, my eyes would well up with tears, my breath would become fast and hard, my stomach would drop, and my head would start to ache. When I lived at home, I would crawl into bed with her until I felt better. When I moved out, I would call her and she would talk me down. She promised she wasn't going any where and we would talk about plans for the future. Now when I have one of those attacks, there is no one to call. No one to make it all better. Just the sad reality that for the rest of my life my best friend, mother, and grandmother is gone and nothing will ever be the same.
 
 

Challenging

No one is promised a perfect life. Imagine how shallow we would all be if that were the case. Pain and suffering build our character and, in turn, make us each a unique individual.

I've had my fair share of pain and suffering in my life. Some self-imposed, some a side-effect of other's actions, and still some that just seemed to come from nowhere.

Losing Caleb was hard. I wanted him so desperately and knew that after he was gone there was a very real chance I would never get to be a mother again. A life that I had spent months mapping out was gone. That's a hard thing for people to understand about pregnancy/infant loss. It's not about losing what was, it's about losing what could have been. Even with the pain that came from losing Caleb, I was able to really focus on the blessings that came from his short life and have a sense of peace about everything. Even though this pain and suffering came from nowhere, meaning I didn't cause it and neither did anyone else, I could still breath easy in knowing that things happened exactly as they should have happened.

In the last 59 days, my life has been thrown into a tailspin. Everything I thought was true, I found isn't. And everyone I thought I could trust just disappeared. My life has changed forever. And while someone so important to me was slowly drifting away, I was caught up in juvenile drama that I thought was left behind when I said "I do". I will never forgive myself for that.

Some days I wish he would have fallen in love, too. But then again, no one is promised an easy life.

It's Been a Long Time

Wow. It's been a long time since I have sat down to write. So much has been going on, but at the same time I haven't really felt up to writing. So here is a rundown on the past few months:

1. We are closing on our first home in less than a month. It's exciting, scary, and bittersweet for me. Exciting because it's a home of our own. We can paint, change the carpet, hang curtains or even color on the walls if we want to. Scary because it's such a commitment and I'm a constant worrier. Bittersweet because the last time we were preparing to move it was because of Caleb. We needed a bigger apartment. Then he died and the day after I got home from the hospital we had to move into our bigger apartment. I never thought we would live here for 2 years and not have a new baby for the nursery.

2. I have started attending a new church. It's in the same network of churches as the old one I was going to, but much closer to where we live. The congregation is also much smaller, but I love the family feel. From the moment I stepped in the door on my first Sunday, I felt God in my heart telling me this is where I am supposed to be. I'm going to working as an assistant in the pre-school room one Sunday per month starting in September. I'm so excited to get to share Jesus Christ with the little ones. My church attendance was sporadic when I was young and I'm not sure I REALLY knew Christ or what He did for me until, honestly, I was around 19 years old. I wish I knew more before then. I believe it would have saved me a lot of pain. At the same time I struggle with the wondering if He allowed me to go through that pain so that I could see how much I really need Him in my life. Anyway, I look forward to sharing His word with all of the little ones.

3. Infertility stinks. Secondary infertility really stinks. It's so painful to continuously see friends and family conceive with no problems and to feel like such a failure. I know, I know. I'm NOT a failure. Conceiving has little to do with me and more to do with God's plan for me. Knowing this doesn't alleviate all of the pain, however. We have met with a new infertility specialist. He was nice and optimistic (they usually are at first). He wants us to undergo some further testing, including another semen analysis for Brandon and another HSG-like test for me. He also wants me to have some additional blood work, which seems standard but was never ordered by our old RE. As evidence of my lack of excitement to go through this gamete of tests, I failed to schedule any of the appointment during my last cycle. I'm debating on doing it this month or waiting a while.

Our new house has 3 bedrooms, one of which would make the most perfect nursery. I mentioned to Brandon yesterday that maybe we should just make it a guest room. It seems silly to waste space on a nursery for a baby that may or may not ever join our family. He was adamant that we set up the crib and create a space for the baby he is much more confident we will have. It was sweet to hear that from him.

4. Caleb's 2nd birthday is coming up in October. If he was born when we expected he would be nearly 20 months old. I try to imagine what he would look like, what he would sound like, and how our lives would be different with a little toddler running the show. I know he's in a better place with someone who loves him even more than I do. Still I can't help but wonder "what if?"

And now, because I can't show you what he would look like, I will leave you with a picture of his mommy and daddy. This is from my college graduation ceremony in May. If you look closely you can see the cross necklace I'm wearing. There is a very special story that goes with that necklace, which I will share soon.

Constant

In my soul there is a hole that can never be filled, but in my heart there is hope that you are with me still. ~ Precious Child

Change. I've never been a fan. I excel when I know what to expect. Still, there is a part of me that always wants more. I'm a dreamer, imagining a better life for myself and my family. I'm quite the walking contradiction.

I started a new job today. It seems alright so far. The people aren't mean and the work seems challenging without being overwhelming. It's an excellent opportunity with great benefits and room to advance. Still I dread going back to the point that I'm in tears. I don't dread the job or the people...I dread what starting this new job means.

I quit a job last Thursday. A job I had for a long time. A long time when you consider that I'm barely 25. I started that job as a naive 21 year old, living with my boyfriend, going to school part-time, not having any real sense of what I wanted out of life, and NEVER expecting to get pregnant or have a baby.

I grew up there. Brandon and I split up. I ventured out into the world on my own. I transformed--physically and mentally. Brandon and I got back together. I got engaged. I got pregnant. I got married. I lost friends and gained friends. I lost pets and got new ones. I watched my family move out of my childhood home. I started seriously working towards my bachelors degree. I learned about law, about business, and about being let down. I moved twice and got in several car accidents. I grieved the death of my baby with people who were as excited as me for him to be born. I made friends, real friends not just the happy hour co-worker-type.

Leaving there is like leaving a piece of myself. That place was the constant in my life when so many things were changing. No matter what was going on with my relationship, my pregnancy, my physical appearance, my grieving...I ALWAYS had that place. I always had those people.

A lot of people don't get it. They see me graduating and starting this new job as such positive things. They wonder how I can be so sad. Maybe they think I'm ungrateful or crazy or just negative. And maybe I am. Maybe I shouldn't get so attached to people or places the way that I do.

I guess the only way I can explain it is by saying this:

When you lose something that you love SO much and nothing in the world will bring it back again... when there is a hole in your heart and sometimes you don't know how you can make it day to day, having constants are important.

Early

It's hours before I need to be up, but I'm wide awake. I keep picturing you. I wonder what you would look like? Who would you be?


We're doing family photos tomorrow. At the park where I know you would have loved to play. Only they won't really be family photos because the entire family is not there. You're not there.

Daddy and I will hold a bear in place of you. We will smile and laugh, but inside our hearts will be heavy. It's odd to miss someone so much you only knew for a short time, but we do. We miss you so much that sometimes we cry. Sometimes we argue because we can't express how we are feeling in a better way. Sometimes we push the feelings down so we can go on with our day without the constant, gut-wrenching pain that will be with us forever.

I hope you know how important and how loved you are. Everything we do, we do for you. I'm finishing school next month and that's all because of you. I started when I knew you were coming, I persevered when you left and I will finish because that's what you would want and I want to make you proud.

I miss you so much, Caleb. I'm so sorry I failed you and I'm so sorry you're not here today. If I could trade my life for yours, I would in a second. I wish you could be here for family photos. I wish you could be a big cousin to Xander. I wish you could be there when I earn that degree that was inspired by you! I wish I could hold you, see you, kiss you, and hear you call me "mommy.”

Instead, I will hold a bear that doesn’t compare. I will look at the few pictures I have that will never be enough. I will kiss the little jar of ashes holding what's left. And I will lay awake at night and imagine what you would have become.

Bad Blogger

I'm such a bad blogger. I started this blog way back when to remember Caleb and to document our journey of love, loss, and trying to start a family. I thought writing about all of these things would give me an outlet to express my feelings instead of my typical SOP, which involves keeping everything inside and then eating an entire carton of ice cream. Hey, don't knock it til you try it.

But days and weeks pass without me posting. I have things I want to share. Doctor’s appointments, failed attempts, births, deaths, nightmares...but I don't. I need to though. I can feel the weight of so many things resting on my shoulders and I need to write about it.

I have this weird habit. I make lists. When things are bothering me I make a list of what they are and then I start with the first item and try to figure out a way to fix it. You'll find these little pieces of paper strewn about my house with things like weight, job, and haircut written on them. I guess all that to say I like to keep track of my feelings otherwise I feel like they will overtake me. Emotions are crazy and unpredictable (2 things I don't really care much for) and making those little lists and keeping this blog are the only things helping me to understand mine.

So I'll start here...
My sister had her baby.

I was in the delivery room when he was born. It was probably one of the most amazing things I have ever witnessed. I don't like the expression that people use to describe this situation "I was there when his life began", because that's not true. A child's life begins at conception. Caleb was alive inside of me and just because he wasn't born alive, doesn't mean that his life never started.

Anyway, the birth was amazing and holding my nephew for the first time was unbelievable. My sister was in labor for a little over 12 hours before she started pushing. During that time, she had three different nurses check on her. The first 2 asked me if I had any children, so I told them about Caleb. I felt bad each time I brought him up, as if I was casting a gray cloud over my sister's exciting day. I decided after the second time to stop mentioning him.

When the third nurse asked me if I had any children I simply replied "no.” My sister, 10 cm dilated stopped the nurse and said, "That's not true. She has a son and his name is Caleb, but he passed away." I still get choked up thinking about that. I don't think my sister understood how much that meant to me. On the brink of giving birth to her baby, she stopped and remembered the one I'm missing so much. No gray clouds, just love.

Having a baby around (I have visited with him 10 out of his 12 days) has been an eye opening experience. It has definitely confirmed what Brandon and I already knew about our desire to have children. Before he was born, I thought my nephew would make me sad. I thought he would remind me of what I don't have. I was so wrong. Having him around reminds me of what I'm working for. The struggles that I face now are so insignificant compared to the joy that a baby will bring to our lives.

My wonderful husband, who usually doesn't have too much to say, summed it up best: "Nothing else will matter once we have our baby."

The Hospital

Continuing the story of Caleb


I was admitted to the hospital on Tuesday September 30th, 2008. We got there shortly before 8 p.m. We sat in the same registration room we had the night before when I was the only one that knew something was wrong. We walked down the same hallway. The nurse led us into a private room, away from all the happy mommies and babies. There was a card with a single yellow rose taped to the plaque on the wall with my room number. I didn’t have to ask. I knew.

I had just enough time to change into that terrible hospital gown before visitors started appearing. Brandon’s mom, my mom, and my grandma. Followed by Brandon’s aunt and uncle and finally my best friend Britney. Brandon’s Aunt Deena gave us a beautiful wall hanging with little children playing. An angel watched over the children.

The nurse came to get the IV started and go over my medical history. She asked if I took any medications. I told her pre-natal vitamins, only not every day because they make me throw up. Then I quickly asked her if she thought that’s why this happened. She reassured me that had nothing to do with it and suggested I take Flintstones vitamins next time.

They couldn’t get the IV in. My veins are not cooperative. I was jabbed 7 or 8 times by 2 different nurses. The visitors were distracting themselves by watching Dancing with the Stars, but Brandon was right there by my side. He looked at me with this look of sadness in his eyes. Like he wanted to just take me and run away. Away from this crazy situation that we were in. How did we ever end up here? So many years of thinking we couldn’t. Then we do. Only to not.

The nurses, still poking, suggested I look away. Singing has always comforted me so I started singing the first thing that popped in my head. “Five. Five dollar. Five dollar footlong.” Everyone laughed. Brandon’s look of helplessness faded into a smile. I had never loved him as much as I did right then.

Finally, after a few more jabs and jokes about using all my veins during my former life as a drug addict, the nurses were able to get the IV in and going. The nurse gave me my first pill to start the induction. An oral tablet, Cytotec, which I can still taste to this day. Battery acid choked down with a little bit of water. The tiny little pill kept getting stuck in the back of my throat and would dissolve before I could get it down. Every 4 hours the nurse would come in with one of those tiny packets containing that pill that tasted like battery acid and was supposed to make my body deliver my dead baby. I would have drunk real battery acid if it meant giving him life.

After a few hours, the visitors left. Just me and Brandon alone in the room. The first time we had really been alone in months. Just me and him. Him and me. I drifted off to sleep for a while.

The next day, Wednesday October 1st, revealed that my body wasn’t progressing. I wasn’t dilating and felt no contractions. They offered my pain medicine, though. I refused. What if they were wrong about him? There was still hope. How silly.

I had a few more visitors that day. My friend Mandi came up for a little while. It was hard for her. I could see it in her eyes. She knew and she remembered being where I was. For two girls who don’t usually shut-up, there wasn’t much to say.

Later that afternoon, I asked my nurse, Fran, how long my doctor would let me stay like this. I wasn’t progressing and they had started the induction nearly 20 hours ago. He was supposed to be here by now. She told me that there wasn’t much they could do since I wanted to see the baby. It wasn’t like they could “...go in and do a D&E”. Her words echoed in my head. Was I not supposed to want to see my baby? My doctor never offered an alternative to delivery. My heart hurt. I wanted out.

That night brought more visitors and  the doctor on duty. She did an exam and an ultrasound. Different this time because they didn’t bother turning the screen towards me. The doctor decided it was time to insert a balloon catheter. Before they did that, however, they would give me an epidural.

The epidural was done. As were both catheters. I fell asleep. A few hours later I woke up screaming. I couldn’t move and I was freezing. I started crying. “Why me? Why us? I just bought a stroller. God tricked me. Why? How could this happen?” The nurse looked scared. Brandon looked scared. But I couldn’t stop. I begged for them to let me move. “Take the epidural out. Please take it out. Give me blankets. Please, it’s so cold.” I had a fever and an infection. They called my doctor, who ordered antibiotics. I fell asleep.

I woke up early Thursday October 2nd. The nurse came in and told me that I couldn’t have any more water or popsicles. My doctor was doing a caesarean section later that afternoon. She started removing the balloon catheter that hadn’t worked. Or had it? As she pulled it out she realized it was time. She paged the doctor on duty and they came running. “Push. Just one good push.” I screamed again. “I don’t want to see him. Please don’t make me look.” And then it was over. Quiet. Painless. Sad. Nothing like I imagined.

They wrapped him up and let Brandon take a peek. They took him to a different room until my doctor could arrive. After what seemed like hours, my doctor finally came in and told me he didn’t see anything wrong with him. Nothing definite that would point to an obvious cause or reason. I asked if I could see him. He told me the nurse would bring him in shortly. I felt so horrible for ruining his morning. He looked like a shell of the usually upbeat person I would see during my check-ups. What had I done to create this huge mess?

Amazing

Help one another, is part of the religion of sisterhood. ~Louisa May Alcott

I don’t talk a lot about my faith to those who don’t know me. I feel that there is a certain type of people in this world who, as soon as you identify yourself as a Christian, immediately try to discredit you and your beliefs. By nature, I’m a pretty non-confrontational type person and I’m not good at quoting Scripture in response to Biblical questions people have. There are amazing, gifted people all over the world who are much better suited for ministry. That is not a gift God gave me.

I don’t deny Christ, however. When asked, I answer honestly and proudly. I try to lead a life that exemplifies the lessons Christ taught us. And I hold to those truths when faced with adversity or obstacles. But I feel the best way I can demonstrate God's amazing powers, is by sharing examples of the grace and love He has shown in my life.

For example, my younger sister is pregnant. 39 weeks today to be exact and my future nephew is ready to be born at any moment. And I am overjoyed to be an aunt. I threw my sister's baby shower, I went for the 3D/4D ultrasound, and I will be there every step of the way in the delivery room.

To fully understand how amazing this is, you have to first understand how hard it is for me to be around anything relating to babies, especially baby boys. Just the sight of baby shampoo can send me over the edge some days. Babies obviously remind me of the one that I lost, but they also remind me of the one that I am struggling to conceive. The fact that I can even acknowledge my sister is pregnant is, well, amazing to me!

But don't get me wrong. I don't do these amazing things on my own. I don't have that much strength. In fact, if it were left to me alone, I would still probably be sitting in that restaurant, as I was five minutes after she told me, crying my eyes out. Thankfully, I don't bare this burden alone. God has been with me every step of the way, giving me strength, hope, and courage. I feel like I yet again see another reason God gave me Caleb. Caleb helped prepare me to help prepare my sister for this baby. If that makes sense?

We don't always get to see the reasons why God does things. We aren't always given the peace of mind to understand the 'big picture'. But in this case, I can't help but stand back and be in awe of His work.

Valetine Schmalentine

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. ~ Groucho Marx

Brandon and I first "met" around Valentine's Day. We "met" online, which I know is so shocking to people for some reason, but when you consider the millions of other things people do online, I don't know why meeting a future boyfriend/girlfriend is such a faux pas.

Anyway, it was back in the days of AOL. Ya know, when you logged in it would say "You've Got Mail". Well for those of you that remember, there were also local chat rooms. You could find all kinds of different ones. I think it was kind of like an early Facebook or Myspace. It brought people together who shared a common interest or lived in the same area, etc.

So one night, I was logged on and in a local chat, but not really paying attention to the conversation. I want to say I was downloading songs from iTunes. All of a sudden an IM (remember those?) popped up and it said, "Lynyrd Skynyrd, huh?". The person IM'ing me was referencing the section on my profile which listed all of my musical likes. I was 18 at the time so there were A LOT!

I wrote back and said "Yea, I like them." The mystery person went on to tell me how when he was younger their dad took them to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert and all he can remember is the heavy smell of incense in the air, which of course later in life he learned wasn't really incense at all!

We started chatting a little more and I discovered that the mystery person was really Brandon. He was 19 at the time and lived about 30 miles away, but actually grew up really close to where I did. We talked about music, movies, work, school...pretty much everything. We exchanged phone numbers, but I was too scared to call. Eventually he called me and we chatted a few times on the phone.

Fast forward a few weeks later, my friend Britney and I were out shopping and I decided it would be funny to go spy on Brandon at his job. Britney was always down for a covert mission so off we went. We spotted him in the nursery section of a local general store. Apparently, at that point in time I was fearless because I marched right up to him and said hi. I told him who I was and that my plan was just to spy on him, but then I decided that was kind of weird. He said he would be off in a few hours and asked if I wanted to hang out. When he got off work, we met up for dinner and basically have been inseparable ever since. In fact, since that day, I think the longest we have ever gone without talking was maybe 2 days.

This is the story of how I met my Valentine. I'n sure it's not the most storybook meeting that has ever taken place, but it's ours and I love it. Oh yea, and I love him.

MoD

A life without cause is a life without effect. ~Barbarella

Each year the law firm I work for holds a March of Dimes campaign to coincide with the national March of Dimes March for Babies campaign. Last year's campaign was hard for me. It was 5 months after we lost Caleb and I was still in a very dark place. I didn't want to support the campaign. I had visited the MoD webstite everyday during my pregnancy, I did everything I was supposed to, but yet my baby was still gone. 

Looking back I can see how twisted my mindset was last March. MoD was there for me during my pregnancy, when Caleb's oligohydramnios was diagnosed, and after Caleb was gone. They did provide me with support...even if it wasn't the support I wanted. I knew I had to speak up this year. I lost my baby and that hurts so bad, but I don't want anyone else to experience that pain.

This year, the partner in charge of the campaign for our firm asked me if I would be willing to share my experience with MoD in order to drum up support.. I jumped at the opportunity. I went into my pregnancy thinking the worst thing that could happen was hemorrhoids. Birth defects, placental problems, and stillbirth were the furthest things from my mind. If even just one expecting mom chooses to educate herself a little bit more regarding her child's health, even if it's just out of the fear of ending up like me, then my Caleb's life was not in vain. So I will now share with you my MoD story...

When I found out I was pregnant, I’d like to think I had the normal reaction…fear! I was worried about everything from learning how to change diapers to paying for college. They say men become fathers when they hold their baby in their arms for the first time, but women become mothers the minute they learn they are pregnant. I couldn’t agree more with this observation. From the second I knew I had a tiny life growing inside of me, my maternal instinct kicked in along with all the worries that come with it.

That’s why I first visited the March of Dimes website. A parenting magazine I read told me they had a great section on keeping healthy during your pregnancy. I checked that site probably 20 times a day. I used it to find information on proper nutrition, pregnancy symptoms, and to look up all those big words that doctors like to use.
The website became an even more useful research tool during my sixth month of pregnancy when the doctors told me that my son, Caleb, was suffering from oligohydramnios, a lack of amniotic fluid. This can be a sign of birth defects in some babies. The doctors told me there wasn’t much I could do. They would continue to monitor Caleb and send me for some additional tests and screenings. I remember feeling so helpless. As a parent, you feel a responsibility to always care for your children in the best way you can, but here I was stuck, unable to do anything.

Immediately, I went to the MoD website to investigate. They had an entire section dedicated to pregnancy complications and a ton of useful information about oligohydramnios. It was such a sense of empowerment. I understood the condition more thoroughly and felt that I could have educated conversations with my doctors and other care providers.

Sadly, the diagnosis came too late for me. My little Caleb died in utero at 26 weeks gestation. His beautiful body was born into this world on October 2, 2008. Losing my baby is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever gone through. The pain, anger, and sadness are overwhelming. I remember the first few days at home after I left the hospital were devastating. I felt so alone and so lost. But yet again, MoD came to my rescue. Through their website, I was able to find a great deal of resources and information on dealing with a stillbirth. They connected me with several support groups filled with mothers feeling the same way I did. MoD even helped me after we received Caleb’s autopsy report. The cause of his oligohydramnios was due to a placental defect. MoD’s website gave me information on this and treatment options for future pregnancies.

Through my journey of healing, I have met with so many families that the March of Dimes organization has helped. From their work with premature babies to their research into birth defects, MoD is saving lives every day. I share my story not for sympathy, but because I want every expecting mother to be educated and empowered with the knowledge to understand their unborn child’s health. It’s easy to assume that all pregnancies end with healthy babies, but the fact is right now they don’t. There is hope, however. The research, education, and outreach that the March of Dimes provides are essential to changing that disturbing fact. There was nothing that could be done to save my baby, but I know that because of the March of Dimes, each day parents are spared from the pain that my family had to go through. And for that, I am so very thankful.