The poem and letter I read at the memorial:
The world may never notice if a snowdrop doesn't bloom.
Or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon
But every life that ever forms
Or ever comes to be
Touches the world in some small way for all eternity
The little one we long for was swiftly here and gone
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on
And though our arms are empty
Our hearts know what to do
Every beating of our hearts says we love you
Dear sweet Caleb, I sit here writing this as I look at what remains of you. I remember vividly the day I found out I was blessed enough to be your mommy. I was so scared because I worried about being able to provide for you the way that you deserved. I didn’t know if I was ready but I knew in my heart that you were meant to be. You were a blessing, a miracle actually. Daddy and I had a rough time before you came along. It’s hard to understand but sometimes even two people who love each other so much struggle to live happily ever after. You changed all of the struggles though. You quickly became the center of our universe. Nothing else could do it, but somehow a little stranger who we never even met made us grow up so quickly. You were not only a miracle but a blessing. A gift, the perfect gift. You were all that mattered to us. Everything else seemed so petty in comparison to the life we envisioned with you.
I will always treasure the memories we made together. Do you remember the first ultrasound? I do. Daddy and I loved seeing your little heart beat so strong. And the second ultrasound, we found out God had blessed us with a little boy. Your Daddy almost cried. He loves you so much you know? He had so many plans for you- sports, video games, and of course picking on mommy together. I miss singing to you every day. I’m sure it was awful to hear first thing in the morning, but I felt so connected to you when I did that. Sometimes I still rub my belly and start to sing but then remember you’re gone. Who would have thought you would leave us before we even got a chance to say hello?
You aren’t just special to us, Caleb. So many other people love you and miss you too. Everyone was looking forward to meeting you and having you in our family. Just ask your Grandpa Ballou who still thinks you should be Phillip II. Or your Great-Uncle Danny who looked forward to the days of Hawaiian shirts and sweat pants. Or all of your Grandma’s who couldn’t seem to stop buying you outfits. A wardrobe anyone would be envious of. Sometimes, when I’m alone, I look through your things. They are yours, Caleb but maybe you’ll be kind enough to share with a little brother or sister in the future?
I hope you are able to look down from the clouds and see Daddy and me today. I wish I could look up and see your face just once. Daddy and I are closer than ever because of you. We are filled with a lot of sadness because you’re not here, but we are thankful for the time we did have together. We’re getting married soon. I’m going to be a Ballou just like you. Maybe that will make it easier for me to find you in Heaven. Not that I’d have any trouble. You looked just like your Daddy.
Caleb, why did you have to leave? I love you so much and just wish you could have stayed. Maybe I wouldn’t have been the best mommy in the world but I promise I would have loved you more than anything. Actually, I still do. I’m holding your ashes now and I’m not sure how I’m going to make it. You were supposed to be here soon. I know you’re at peace and I know you’re in a place that is so much better than anything here. You will never feel pain or hurt or heartache. Only pure happiness. I guess I don’t really grieve for you Caleb. I guess my pain is selfish. I read a quote recently that said
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
You were definitely our delight Caleb. Every waking moment was spent thinking of you and I think that will be the case for a long time to come. You have eternal peace now, my sweet baby boy. But I will never have peace. There will always be a hole in my heart until I can hold you in my arms again. I will always feel incomplete- on the day me and your Daddy get married, when (God willing) we have a sibling for you, when I’m old and gray and look back at my life. There will always be a missing link Caleb. I know I don’t understand it now, but there is a plan, I’m sure of it. You were sent here for a reason and you were taken away for a reason. Maybe God just needed another angel for the streets of heaven.
So until we meet again please remember how much we love you. Ask God to tell you about me and Daddy. I’m sure he has some great stories. And please know that you are the most precious thing to ever happen to me. I love you. –Mommy
P.S.- Just one more time please “Little Caleb Ballou, I can’t wait to see you, I just want to scoop you up, and kiss you on your head.”