Thursday, October 15, 2009

Please Remember Me

It's not how long a star shines, but the brightness of its light. -Unknown
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. At 7 p.m. local time all around the world grieving parents, family members, and friends are lighting candles in honor of babies that were called home to spend eternity with the Lord.

Tonight, just like last year, Brandon and I lit a candle in honor of our son and for all of the other babies who stayed just a minute but changed the lives of so many.

To every parent who has ever lost a baby whether it be through a miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, prematurity, or any other tragic circumstance. This candle is for your angel. Or maybe your baby wasn't a baby at all. Maybe he was 5 or 24 or 36. This candle is for your angel, too. To every parent who has ever had to arrange a funeral, plan a memorial, buy a headstone, or kiss a cold forehead. This candle is for your angel. To every parent whose memories aren't memories at all but rather hopes and dreams that were shattered the day you learned your baby's heart would beat no more. This candle is for your angel.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It's meant to bring awareness to those who have suffered the loss of a baby. I'm very aware, but I wish wasn't.

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Saturday, October 3, 2009

What A Difference A Year Makes...In Some Ways

Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I'll miss you, Until we meet again! ~Author Unknown

Yesterday was one year since I gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. It wasn't the birth I imagined only weeks earlier. It was quiet, fast, and not physically painful. Still it was my first birth and I own those memories. And I own his memory. It is up to me to make sure his little life wasn't in vain.Yesterday being one year since the day I brought a tiny,lifeless baby boy into this world, I tried my best to honor his memory.

The day started with Brandon and I reading Caleb's memorial in the newspaper.

Later we picked up some donations for Touching Little Lives from my mom and sisters. This wonderful organazation handmakes clothing, blankets, and stuffed animals for premature, stillborn, and low income babies. When Caleb was born we received a beautiful gown, blanket, and hat. This was our chance to give back to other families going through a similar struggle.

After a very peaceful lunch with Brandon, we went shopping for our own donations for TLL. We picked up some beautiful fabric, yarn, and ribbon. We found the most beautiful fabric with stars and moons on it and bought all they had left! I think that was a sign from our little guy.

We met up with Marianne from TLL and gave her all of the donated items we received. Thank you to everyone who donated both materials and money. They were so thankful for everything they received.

Finally, we headed down to St. Jospeh's Cemetery to complete what we have decided will be our yearly tradition. Earlier in the day it was raining but the sun came out as we were driving. It turned into a beautiful afternoon and the clouds almost brought tears to my eyes.

Once we got to the cemetery, we left the flowers at the statue at the front of the baby section. Then it was time to let our balloons go.

And you can probably guess what happened next. Yup, they got stuck in the tree, Brandon's popped, and I cried. We even made it a point to walk as far away from the trees as we could, but the wind still carried our 3 little balloons bound for Heaven right into them. Brandon assured me that Caleb probably thought it was hilarious until I started crying. And that he probably would have popped them as soon as he got them anyway. After I calmed down, I came to the conclusion that maybe they didn't need to go all the way to Heaven because yesterday Caleb was with us.

After leaving the cemetery, we headed down to the farm markets and pumpkin patch. We bought 4 pumpkins this year- one for Daddy, one for Mommy, one for Lacy, and one for Caleb. Caleb's was a little bigger this year because, as Brandon said, he is a little bigger this year.

One the way home we drove past the cemetery again only this time our balloons weren't in the trees any more. Caleb must have taken them back to Heaven with him.

I have missed my son every single day of this last year. Often times, I miss him so much that I cry. I'm not crying for him though, he is at peace. The Lord spared him even one minute of suffering on this earth. I cry for myself and the hole in my heart that will never be filled. I cry for Brandon everytime we pass a park and a father and son are playing catch. I cry for everyone else who loved Caleb. I cry because each day that passes is one day further from the short time I spent with him. My memory becomse more blurred and I remember less and less. The way he smelled, the way he looked, the way he felt.

I never want to forget and yesterday I didn't.