Sunday, August 16, 2009

Our Thing

Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you. If they speak, you break down. ~Bede Jarrett

I've been M.I.A. lately. Writing about Caleb, whether other people read it or not, is helpful sometimes. Most of the time actually. But there are times, like these past few weeks when writing is just too much. It brings up too many emotions that are already making it hard just to live life each day.

Brandon tells me that Caleb is "our thing". I can't expect other people to remember him, to celebrate his life the way we do. He says that by expecting that from everyone I'm just causing myself more pain. I KNOW he is right. It makes sense. He's our son--we are the people responsible for his legacy. Still, sometimes is nice when people remember. It's nice when grandparents include him in their counts of grandchildren or when people bring him up in conversation. I know I can't expect this from everyone all the time, but occasionally it's nice to know that people still care and remember him and the life that was cut way too short.

Caleb is "our thing", probably more so "my thing". I was the first one to know he was growing inside me, to feel him move, to hold him, to kiss him. The moment I found out there was a baby on the way my life changed. I started making all these plans. I had him grown-up and married off before I was 15 weeks along. Now here I am with nothing but a memory and a broken heart.

Oh...and some flowers....


Franchesca Cox said...

I just found your blog and I am so sorry for your loss. I just wrote a post almost identical to this... My hubby tells me the same thing that it's our job to remember Jenna and not everyone else. For some reason or another, it still hurts that people seem to "go on". I LOVE when people bring up my Jenna Belle. I wish I could announce to my entire world that it is OK to talk about her, and plead with them NOT to forget her. Praying for peace and hope on your journey. xx

Rachel Tenpenny Crawford said...

It isn't just your thing. Your son has touched me and my heart breaks with yours. It is my greatest fear that my Aubrey and Ellie will be forgotten and I am dedicating my life to make sure they have a legacy. Your son is not your secret, he is your child, and it is ok to tell the world about him and how he changed your life. I know it hurts. Everyone gives you a while but then the pressure starts to move on...but it is ok to take him with you. You are his mother, you will never be able to leave his memory behind, it is your job to remember him and honor him...just as you are. I know you are struggling. It takes a lot of time and a lot of work to make it to better days. My girls have been gone over a year now and I still hurt, but it has gotten better...and I will not let them live in my memory alone. I am praying for you on your journey. If you need anything email me. In the meantime I nominated you for an Honest Scrap Award so more of the blog world can meet your son and remember him with you.