SURGERY
I had my first surgery on July 1st. My vaginal septum was completely resected. My doctor was only able to get a small part of the uterine septum removed, so a second surgery had to be scheduled. I was pretty disappointed when I found out I would need another surgery. First of all, I was looking forward to being able to start trying to conceive right away. The worst part of needing a second surgery, however, is the hormone medications I have to be on leading up to and following the procedure. At any rate I went back for my second surgery on August 18th. Due to some equipment malfunctions, the surgery ended early and my doctor wasn't able to get the rest of the septum. So right now I'm waiting to schedule my third (and hopefully final) surgery. As with everything related to infertility, these surgeries have put me on an emotional rollercoaster for the past 4 months. I will be elated when they are done, but a part of me is scared that even after all of this I still won't be able to get pregnant again. But I'm trying to adopt the glass-half-full mentality and try to envision myself pregnant in front of the Christmas tree this year. We'll see...
NANA
This Monday (the 19th) marks one year since my Nana passed away. I definitely wasn't prepared for the wave of grief that has overtaken me the past week. Holidays are hard without her and her birthday was rough, but this milestone seems to be the worst so far. Something about the one-year mark makes things seem so final. Before she died, I used to imagine what I would feel like having to live my life without her. It seemed like the impossible, but then one day I woke up and she was gone. At first I was busy with the things you HAVE to do when someone dies...pick out clothes, plan the funeral, go through her things...that my mind didn't really process her not being around. After all of those things were done, I focused on getting back to life. I didn't want to sit around and sulk because for one, she would have kicked my butt for doing that and for two, that's not really my M.O. I don't like people feeling sorry for me and I hate sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I get that from her. So now, I'm sitting here at this one-year anniversary and I realize how long it's really been since we last spoke or since she told me she loved me or since we laughed together. I realize that it's been more than a year since her and I last went shopping or had lunch or did laundry together. I realize that living without her hasn't been impossible. The world *didn't* stop, even though, before she got sick I was so sure it would. I have a year full of memories that don't include her and I guess that's what hurts the most. This has just been one out of who knows how many years that I will live without her. It's hard and it's sad, but at the same time I am SO thankful for my time with her, because even though she isn't here physically any more I can still hear her and feel her within me every single day.
CALEB
September 29th marks 3 years since we found out Caleb was going to be stillborn. Yes, September has been a crappy month the past few years! Anyway, we celebrate his birthday on October 2nd by making a donation to Touching Little Lives. It's a local non-profit that makes clothing and keepsakes for babies born premature or stillborn. If you are interested in donating yarn, fabric or any other baby clothes making supplies, please contact me. We will be dropping everything off on October 2nd.
Lots of Love...Me
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