Saturday, May 30, 2009

I Had a Dream Last Night...

Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep. ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman

I've never had a dream about Caleb. Other mother's often say that their departed children visit them in their sleep- but not mine. I wish he would though, just once. I would love to see him again even if it was for just a fleeting moment in the middle of the night.

I DID have a dream about another baby last night. The baby was mine but he wasn't Caleb. He was premature and Brandon and I were visiting him in the NICU. He was very sick but I knew he was going to be ok. I knew this baby was coming home with us. But we didn't know when...

I read the autopsy report again the other night searching for some clue as to why I don't have an almost 6 month old baby boy in my arms right now. I Googled every word and phrase again. Scouring the internet for a website to finally just come out and say what I feel inside "You killed your baby." I looked for hours but I never found that one.

This is what I did find:

Placental infarcts, thrombosis, oligohydramnios, stillbirth

You'll be happy to know that other than the placenta basically being a useless piece of dead, clotted tissue, my son was perfectly healthy. His internal organs were either "unremarkable" or "glistening" and "as expected for this gestational age". He was doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing but my crappy placenta failed him and no one can tell me why.

Did I eat the wrong things? I know my addiction to the soupy combination of a Wendy's Frosty and french fries mixed together with a dash of salt probably wasn't ideal baby-growing food, but I ate really good food too! Fruits and veggies everyday.

Why did my body fail me?? I'll admit I didn't always treated it with the highest regard before I was pregnant but to retaliate by letting my innocent son die while I was left clueless for days seems a bit harsh. And why won't my body work with me now? What was so different a year ago that can't be recreated now??

I think it's pretty clear that the baby in the NICU sums up my feelings about becoming a mother. I pray that it will happen just at parents of preemies pray their babies will come home healthy. But just like them, the ride getting to that point seems to be a never ending roller coaster of sadness, pain, guilt, but most importantly...HOPE.

1 comment:

Erica said...

Awwwe. I've never had a dream about Angel- but my husband did. I remember him telling me about it and he said Angel told him, she didn't come to me, because she figured I wouldn't "listen". Boy, that broke my heart... but at the time, she was probably right.
Have you been tested for clotting disorders?
Our living daughter (honestly, why she's living we don't know)...I had placental infarct with her. Basically it said that she should of been dead. They didn't test me until after I lost Angel and discovered all my clotting disorders.

HUGS to you. You didn't kill your baby... Your baby is home, safe and sound with Jesus...I've had people tell me my daughter is the lucky one.