Saturday, May 30, 2009

In the Beginning...It was dark

I stumbled across this today. This is my first entry on the Stillborn support board I'm a member of. I posted this on October 11th, 2008- 9 days after I gave *birth* to Caleb. It was a dark time and I didn't sleep much. I basically spent all day and night chatting with these remarkable women who helped me the hardest thing I've ever been through. Without them I'm not sure where I would be today.

I've been reading some of the other posts for a while and think that maybe I am visiting this site too soon. I just gave birth to my little angel on October 2nd- he was 26w1d. I have an amazing bunch of family and friends but I just can't open up to any of them. I feel so alone right now. Caleb was due on January 7th. He was in a breech position and because I have a didelphys my OB was planning a c-section for late December. I was planning on having my baby in my arms when we rang in the new year. 2 months ago I couldn't wait for every holiday decoration makes me sick to my stomach.

My fiance and I have been together for over 5 years and I've never had so much as a late period. I always assumed it was due to my uterine problems and doctor's assured me that when I was ready, there were options. Then it happened. He came into my life and gave me the hope of something that I never knew I wanted so badly. My last period was around April 3rd. Around the start of May my aunt became really sick (cancer) and we drove out to Iowa to visit her. With all the concern over my aunt I guess I didn't realize that I hadn't had a period in almost a month and a half. Then the symptoms started- getting sick when I brushed my teeth, sore breasts, that run down feeling- was I getting the flu? I was talking to my boss one day and she told me to go to the drugstore ASAP and get a HPT. Off I went, never expecting it to be positive. How could it? But there it was. 2 pink lines. The most amazing thing I've ever seen. The next day I bought a baby book and the rest is history.

I've never loved someone so much. I didn't care if it was a boy or girl. I just wanted to hold the little piece of me in my arms and never let go. I wanted to have the 'perfect family' that I didn't have. We were so excited. We did a 3-D/2-D ultrasound at 17 weeks just to find our the sex. A little boy. A perfect little boy. My fiance was so excited. He would have loved a girl he said, but boys are so much easier. Plus, who could handle a little me running around? I am a bit of a princess. The only problem was that we could not agree on a name. We had 3 pages of girls names. Girls can have adorable names but boys have to have something strong. It took us a while but we finally decided on Caleb. Caleb Patrick- Patrick after my grandmother Patricia. She raised me when my mother couldn't and has been the strongest influence in my life.

I made up little songs to sing to Caleb. I would talk to him in the shower every morning, on the way to work, on the way home, and my favorite time was right before bed. I would lay there before falling asleep, rub my belly and talk to my son. I would tell him how much I loved him, talk about things we would do when I he finally arrived, sing him songs, teach him how to pray. I loved knowing there was something growing inside of me. It made everything else seem so small and petty. Oh how I loved my little Caleb.

I switched doctor's around 20 weeks. My old OB was awful. My new doctor was amazing. He immediately had ultrasounds done on my cervix (pre-term labor is a common risk for women with uterine anomalies). Everything looked fine. My amniotic fluid was a little low but this could be because my uterus is smaller than most. They checked it one more time- still low- and scheduled me for a Level 2 Ultrasound with a high-risk doctor. Nothing to be worried about the nurse said-it's just lower than they like to see. No, nothing you can do to increase the fluid. Just stay calm and see what the high risk doctor says. Sadly, we never made it that far.

My appointment with the high-risk doctor was scheduled for Friday October 3rd. My baby shower was supposed to be October 4th (early so we could have it outside). Sunday September 28th I started cramping a little bit before bed. Nothing really bad, actually it felt more like heartburn in a weird way. I went to work on Monday the 29th and made it through the day but didn't feel right. I still had heartburn and now I had strong cramps in my side. When I got home they were so bad I couldn't sit up. I called my doctor right away and he told me to go to the hospital to get checked out. As soon as we got there I knew something was wrong. They couldn't find his heartbeat. He's little-sometimes they can be hard to find the nurse suggested. I started crying- I just want to go home I said about a million times. I think I said about a hundred Hail Mary's. Please just let him be ok. They brought the doctor in to do an ultrasound- no heartbeat and very little fluid. They wheeled me into a private room. I broke down. What a cruel joke the universe is playing on me. What kind of God takes someone's unborn baby? They induced me Tuesday night and I delivered Thursday morning. 36 hours of labor and for what?

Here I am almost 2 weeks later. Trying to stay strong but how can I do that? There is baby stuff every where. I hate seeing it but I can't manage to move it. I find myself rubbing my belly and humming a few bars of a song- only to realize I'm singing to myself now. People are supportive and I know everyone means well but nothing helps. Sure, I can try to get pregnant again. Maybe I'll even be a mom one day soon. I read a stat that said something like 60-70% of women are pregnant within a year of losing a baby. I don't know how accurate that is. No matter what I can't help but feel that it will never be the same. How will I ever love someone the way I love Caleb? How will I ever have another baby without feeling like I am replacing my little boy? How will I ever make it through another 9 months without wondering everyday if this one is going to leave me too? I feel like my innocence is gone. How can I do this again? Will my body even let me do this again? How can I be hurting so much for someone I only knew for several short months? Why my baby? Why can't I hold him and love him the way I want? I just want to scream!!! Maybe I'm being selfish but I just want him back. I really don't know how I can move on.

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