The New Little Girl in Our Life

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~Ben Williams

I'm a little late on posting these. This is our new little girl. We got her on December 13th. She is a little of 4 months old (17 weeks as of yesterday to be exact). She is the perfect addition to our family and brings us so much joy!



Lacy with Daddy


Lacy (left) and her sister Lily



The picture that made us fall in love with her




Little Lacy wearing her Christmas present- She LOVES clothes! What a little fashionista!

Happy New Year

Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us. ~Hal Borland

January 1st, 2009...Wow! Six months ago when I thought ahead to this day I thought it was going to be so different. I pictured holding a brand new baby in my arms while people stopped by to pay a visit to the little one. Of course, we all know that's not what I'll be doing today. But I can't be disappointed. Caleb is in Heaven and is spending New Year's Day with someone who loves him even more that I can. And while I still wish he was here, 2008 has taught me, more than ever, that we can't plan our days. They are already planned for us. All we can do is be prepared for whatever comes our way, trust in the Lord, and keep an open heart and an open mind.

Christmas

When things go wrong as they sometimes will, when the road you’re trudging seems uphill, when you’re feeling low and the stress is high, and you want to smile but you have to sigh, when worries are getting you down a bit… by all means pray-and don’t you quit. Success is failure turned inside out, God’s hidden gift in the clouds of doubt. You never can tell how close you are- It may be near when it seems so far. So trust in the Lord when you’re hardest hit… It’s when things go wrong that you must not quit!

-Author Unknown

We are getting ready for Christmas now! Only 13 more days. It's so hard to believe that it's really almost here. I remember when I found out I was pregnant. May 19th- I left work and rushed to the doctor's to cofirm what the home pregnancy test had already told me. As I sat there, amazed by the news, I remember the doctor telling me I was about 7 weeks along and would be due around January 7th. It seemed so far away. I was so excited and not really sure how I was going to focus on anything else for the next 7 months.

But here we are. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was sitting in the doctor's office. It feels like an eternity since I came home to tell Brandon the news. Even the 3D ultrasound we had in July and the 3 hour long conversation I had with Melissa afterwards seems like distant memories. Time has moved so fast yet so slow at the same time. We are the same people, yet so different. Spending time wondering about what could have been is a waste, logically I know this. But I still find myself doing it. Always at the most random times. I want to move forward but I want to stand still. Starting 2009 without Caleb is going to be heartbreaking, but I can't deal with the holidays one more minute longer than necessary.

We are prepared for the holidays though. We have most our shopping done. We decided to buy for as many people as we could this year. I find peace in Christmas shopping actually. It makes me feel normal. I think I might actually do some baking next weekend too! Someone please put the fire department on notice.



Thanks Jennie! I can't believe this is what November looks like in St. Thomas. I'm jealous.

Preparing for a Different Kind of Christmas

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a
happy family all wrapped up in each other. ~Burton Hillis

My Little Caleb Angel


Caleb's Stocking


Our Tree

Poem

I found this poem on another angel mommy's Myspace. I think it's the most beautiful one I've ever read.

I'll Be There

Daddy please don't look so sad,

Momma please don't cry

Cause I am in the arms of Jesus

and He sings me lullabies

Please, try not to question God,

don't think He is unkind.

Don't think He sent me to you,

and then He changed His mind.

You see, I am a Special child,

and I'm needed up above.

I'm the Special gift you gave Him,

the product of your love.

I'll always be there with you,

so watch the sky at night.

Find the brightest star that's gleaming,

That's my halo's brilliant light.

You'll see me in the morning frost,

that mists your window pane.

That's me, in the summer showers,

I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a little breeze,

from a gentle wind that blows.

That's me, I'll be there,

planting a kiss on your nose.

When you see a child playing,

and your heart feels a little tug,

That's me, I'll be there

Giving your heart a hug.

So daddy, please don't look so sad,

momma don't you cry.

I'm in the arms of Jesus,

and He sings me lullabies.

Author Unknown

MRI's and Wedding Plans

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~Rita Rudner

I had the MRI on my pelvic area/ uterus this morning and I think I realized that I am claustrophobic. I've always suspected that I am but I really felt like I couldn't breath when I saw that machine. I did the best I could though. I just thought about Caleb and how much I want a baby and decided that if this is what it takes to make my dreams come true then I can do it. I can do anything for 30 minutes. We should get the results back from that soon and then we will go see a specialist who will be able to tell us if there is anything physically that is going to stop us from trying to get pregnant again. They will also tell us if genetically there are any issues. I keep praying that we will get a chance to be parents again by next Christmas. I hate putting a timeline on something like this but it's the only thing holding me together right now.

We went to Brandon's niece's-my future niece :)- 1st birthday party last Sunday. I thought it was going to be much harder than it actually ended up being. She is so adorable and at a really fun age right now. I think, or hope, I kept it together and that my sad moments didn't show too much. I did let some tears flow after we left but Brandon was there for me like always.

The Wedding....So what started off as a short ceremony and dinner is quickly evolving into a little bit more that I think we expected. We are still having a very casual wedding and only inviting close friends and family but we decided insted of doing dinner in a banquet room at a restaurant we are going to rent a private reception hall. We found a very nice and inexpensive one in Pickerington and, after going back and forth a bit with the owner, we have signed the contract and put a security deposit down. It is so beautiful and very intimate- which is what we are going for and what a restaurant lacks.

Everything is included- tables, chairs, etc.- so all we have to do is set up food and drinks. Oh- and I have to find something to wear! Which also means I need to start eating better than I have been. I'm sure going back to work will help the weight loss process. I'm open to suggestions on wedding attire by the way. Email me if you see any cute dresses. I don't want a big, formal dress. And I have this whole thing about my arms showing. Who knows what I want. I'll find something I guess. If not, it's going to be a jeans and t-shirt kinda day. Maybe something like this... :)~

Medical Update

If one truly has lost hope, one would not be on hand to say so. ~Eric Bentley

We received a call today from my OB/GYN's nurse. She said the doctor reviewed the genetic results and unfortunately, the tissue sample failed to grow and they were unable to run tests on it. So basically, we don't know if it was a genetic issue that caused us to lose Caleb. The final autopsy report is supposed to be out in the next couple of weeks and if that doesn't show the cause of death then we will probably never know.

I am going for an MRI next week so we can get a clear diagnosis on my uterine abnormality. Once the results are back from that and the final autopsy report is in, we will be sent to a Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist for additional bloodwork and review. They may be able to look for indicators in our blood to see if there are any genetic conditions that future children may be prone to. I'm guessing we will have to wait until after the wedding, when we are both on the same insurance, for this to happen.

So, for now, we are just going to wait for the results of the MRI and autopsy and see what we find out. Eventually we will try again. I just hope that it's in God's plan to make us parents one day. As much we are trying to be at peace with the loss of little Caleb, it is still very difficult to walk by that empty room everyday. I can't wait until our home is filled with all of the sights and sounds of a baby.